Eddie: We love Shaggy and Scooby because they were cowards! Because we can identify with them. We love them! The other guys driving the van? Fuck off.
Eddie: I didn't tell anyone at school that I was a transvestite, because I was afraid they'd kill me with sticks.
Eddie: There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
Eddie: The National Rifle Association says that, "Guns don't kill people, uh, people do." But I think, I think the gun helps. You know? I think it helps. I just think just standing there going, "Bang!" That's not going to kill too many people, is it? You'd have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that.
Eddie: You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.
Eddie: Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.
Eddie: Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire... so, that's fun. I think that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering fuck-head.
Eddie: Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing... they don't even eat... flies.
Eddie: Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that.
Eddie: Martin Luther was a German fellow who pinned a note on a church door that said, "Hang on a minute!" Actually, he was German so, "Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe einen klienen problemo avec diese religioni. He was from everywhere."
Eddie: You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it.
Eddie: Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"
Eddie: What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdinck! Yes, that'll work.
Eddie: Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."
Eddie: If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
Eddie: I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over.
Eddie: You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go plbtlbtlbltlbtlblt! That's a pretty good dream.
Eddie: We play bad guys in Hollywood movies. Take, for example, "The Empire Strikes Back" from the Star Wars trilogy. The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going, "Oh... I... oh..." "What is it Lieutenant Sebastian?" "It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here." "My God, man! Do they want tea?" "No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag." "Damn, that's dash cunning of them."
Eddie: In the '30s, Hitler: Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, Second World War... Russian front not a good idea... Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid. Cause, you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it. Australasia, that was the one. Australasia. All the purples. Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up.
Eddie: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
