Bill: You got the wrong file. When have I ever been a teacher?
Beverly: Look, you've got a Masters degree, that means you can teach.
Bill: No it doesn't. No, it only means hypothetically that I could.
Beverly: Come on, Bill. Now it's a good job. Six weeks. A decent salary. And you get to live there.
Bill: Beverly, I...I'll get my head blown off. Do you know how many kids carry guns to school these days?
Beverly: In this case all of them. I guess you didn't get to the "where" part.
Clifford: You wouldn't lie to me, would you Uncle Martin? 'Cause if you did I'd be so angry I don't know what I'd do.
Uncle Joe: Would you mind going to the market, we're out of Oreos.
Molly: Well, we wouldn't be out of Oreos, would we, if someone hadn't sucked out all of the insides and tossed the rest away, you naughty boy.
Uncle Joe: I'm old and I'm rich. I can eat whatever parts I want. If I want to eat the goddamn box, I'll eat the goddamn box.
Rudy Zolteck: That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico.
Grandpa Mori Shintaro: Before you go to Japan, you will be tested on the field of battle. Remember, four strands of rope, apart you can snap, but together you can be strong, now get out there and kick butt.
Maverick: My old pappy always used to say, "there is no more deeply satisfying religious experience... than cheatin' on a cheater."
Zane Cooper: I never said that once. You've been misquoting me all your life.
Maverick: What, we're going to quibble over fine points?
Zane Cooper: You never even get close. Give me some credit.
Alex Law: Look over there! It's Cameron.
Juliet Miller: Who?
Alex Law: Cameron. You remember Cameron.
Juliet Miller: No, I don't.
Alex Law: What's he doing here?
Juliet Miller: That's not him.
Alex Law: It is. Cameron! Cameron! Come on over here! Come on.
Cameron: What?
Alex Law: Nothing. We thought you were someone else. Good luck. (Cameron leaves.) I love that guy, but why does he have to follow us around?
Captain Thaddeus Harris: Not exactly a four star hotel, is it?
Lieutenant Talinsky: Well, we spend our police budget on fighting criminals, not on pampering out of town visitors.
Captain Thaddeus Harris: It was your government that brought us here.
Lieutenant Talinsky: They also bring in monkeys for zoo, but we don't put them in four star hotel either.
Eugene Sutphin: You think the kids are awake?
Beverly: We could be very quiet.
Eugene Sutphin: Oh, honey! You're hot tonight.
Beverly: Oh, yeah.
Eugene Sutphin: Honey, I'm ready.
Heather: Barry, I saw you, you were kissing her.
Barry: Once, I kissed her once! God, it's like I can't talk to my friends anymore, I can't believe how posessive you are.
Heather: Oh right, I guess that's why you were feeling her up?
Barry: Look, guys need sex. It's bad for you if you get all worked up and then not get it, you can get "prostrate" cancer. Is that what you want?
Yvonne Biasi: Because of me, you have nothing.
Charlie Lang: Because of you, I have you.
Carl: You know Ray, since your kid's moved in, the food's gotten better.
Leprechaun: Scream as you may! Scream as you might! If you try to escape, you'll be dead on this night.
Peter Brackett: Where did you say you were from? Bitchville?
Dr. Animal: What are you most afraid of?
Jo: Anchovies.
Dr. Animal: Good answer.
Lt. Jake Stone: Don't ever throw a cat on me again.
Red Bean: Need a hand?
Hung Man Ting: Can you help me get these stains out of my dad's underwear?
Red Bean: ...ummm.
Rock Reilly: Get in the van!
Vada: If I get married, I'll never change my name.
Nick: Why? You think the guy should change his name?
Vada: I don't think anybody should change their names, that way you can't find them when you need them.
Nick: What if you don't want to be found?
Vada: Why do you argue with everything I say?