Cliff Murdoch: I just figured out why the Cubs lose every year. They've got more talent in the stands than they do in the field.
Euripides: Yeah, yeah, I'm lickin' your balls, best balls I ever had. Uh-huh, you've got King-Kong balls. Your balls are so large, just big balls, I don't care. You just got big balls.
Larry Wilson: I was not the one who was out CONGA-DANCING all night, huh.
Johnny: You may not know this, Missy, but I ate Chuck for YOU.
Missy's Friend: God, my boyfriend won't even pump gas for me.
Gene Loomis: Y'know, it's hard to believe you're a grown-up.
Ruth Corday: No kidding.
Lawrence Woolsey: You think grown-ups have it all figured out? That's just a hustle, kid. Grown-ups are making it up as they go along, just like you. You remember that, and you'll do fine.
Amos Odell: You give me a million dollars, I give you a hostage. You give me a helicopter, I give you a hostage. You let me fly out of here.
Chief of Police Cecil Tolliver: All right. All right. I saw the damn movie.
Harrison Winslow: Who came up with this ridiculous concept anyway? Resolve your entire life in one bold stroke? What if I fail? And I will. I'll fail. I'm telling you. I always fail. Then my whole life will be a complete failure.
Thomas Reilly: No offense, Harrison. But you died a failure because you never tried.
Alan Reed: Bob, at some point we're gonna have to call the Vice President.
Bob Alexander: Don't call the Vice President.
Alan Reed: What?
Bob Alexander: Just don't call him, Al.
Alan Reed: The guy's in a coma, Bob.
Bob Alexander: I don't give a shit.
Alan Reed: Bob.
Bob Alexander: This is mine, Alan. All mine. I made him, I built him. And no Boy Scout is going to come in here and take it away from me, just because he happens to be Vice President of the United States.
Hal Jackson: Do you mind if I smoke in here?
Sarah Mathews: Yes, I do mind.
Zora: Ma, this is his office.
Sarah Mathews: I don't care, this is my lungs, he can get himself killed.
Doctor Jarret: When you think of guard dogs, you first think of German Shepherds: they are smart, lethal... but not good enough. Now we developed the new Emax3000. They are totally obsolete.
Benedick: Hah. The Prince, and Monsieur Love.
Earl Piggot: You know, I don't know who you think would wanna look at your sad, middle aged ass anymore.
Doreen Piggot: Don't talk to me like that and don't you come back here! I'm not taking you back no more, understand? No more, I'm not taking you back.
Earl Piggot: I'm not coming back.
Doreen Piggot: Slobbering over Honey like that, it was so embarrassing.
Earl Piggot: I never touched Honey.
Doreen Piggot: I didn't say you touched her, I said you slobbered on her.
Johnny: I wanna join the Army.
Aunt Bella: The Army? Our Army?
Johnny: Yeah! But they wouldn't take me. I couldn't pass the, the - hatever they give you I couldn't pass.
Giddy: ...did you know it could be dangerous to wake somebody up when they're dreaming, well, because you leave part of your brain behind. And if it happens too many times, you go feeble in the head.
Sheela: Yeah. You're living proof.
Detective Bill Reimers: I've had this moustache for thirteen years. How long have you had yours?
Matthew Welsh: You cold-blooded murderess.
Hexina: What did you just call me?
Matthew Welsh: Murderess.
Hexina: Oh, I thought you said Methodist. For a moment I was insulted.