Computer: This ship will self-destruct in exactly ten seconds. Counting down. Ten, nine, eight, six.
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Computer: Just kidding.
Col. Sandurz: Lord Helmet.
Dark Helmet: WHAT?!
Col. Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
Dark Helmet: KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!
Col. Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Col. Sandurz: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: Good.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.
Princess Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf.
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
[The self destruction cancellation button is out of order.]
Dark Helmet: F**k! Even in the future nothing works!
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it!
[The gunman turns around and is cross-eyed.]
Gunman: Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Cross-eyed gunman 2: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Col. Sanders: He's an asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that, what's his name?
Col. Sanders: That is his name, sir. "Asshole." Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Col. Sanders: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunners mate, Second-class Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?
Everyone on the ship: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes.
Druidian Priest: I'm not taking any more chances. The short, short version. Do you?
Lone Starr: Yes.
Druidian Priest: Do you?
Princess Vespa: Yes.
Druidian Priest: Good. You're married. Kiss her.
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Trooper: We ain't found shit!
Lord Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Lord Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Lord Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.
Lord Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Lord Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't
Lord Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Lord Helmet: When.
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Lord Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.
President Skroob: Alright, I'll give it a shot. What the hell, it works on Star Trek.
Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate getting my Schwartz twisted!
Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.
Princess Vespa: Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!
Lone Star: On this ship, you are to refer to me as Idiot, not you Captain. I mean...You know what I mean.
Lone Starr: We're not just doing this for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!
Lone Starr: We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a shitload of money!
Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.
Lone Starr: Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?
Answer: It also might stand to reason that the very fact that Druidia has a shield is what makes it viable. It almost creates a docking port for Mega Maid who was presumably designed for that very purpose. After all, what other purpose could a space maid with a vacuum possibly have?