Phil: I've gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
Juliette: We have a pool?
Phil: Uh, no.
Ian: It's funny how life has a life of its own.
Barbara Baekeland: If you're tired of Paris, you're tired of everything.
Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us.
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest.
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.
Alex Fletcher: I have great insight. I'd use it on myself only I don't have any problems.
Nazneen Ahmed: We must not run from our fate. What cannot be changed must be borne. The test of life is to endure.
Erik Kernan Jr.: The Jermaine story I covered. It was a good fight.
Ralph Metz: Yeah, I buried it.
Erik Kernan Jr.: But why?
Ralph Metz: Something's gotta be buried.
Erik Kernan Jr.: That's what high school wrestling's for, right?
Florentino Ariza: Shoot me. There is no greater glory than to die for love.
Richard Langley: Whoever in this room who knows what goes on in the mind of the person who sleeps next to you... please, raise your hand... I know you can't, not honestly.
Student: What is the difference between plot and narrative?
Pat Garret: Newton, life is like a penis. When it's hard you get screwed. When it's soft you can't beat it.
Stuntman Mike: You know how people say, YOU'RE okay in MY book, or and in MY book THAT'S no good. Well, I actually have... a book. And everybody I ever met goes in this book. And now I've met you, and... YOU'RE going in THE book TOO. Unfortunately, now I'm gonna have to file you under chicken... shit.
Jon Forster: Quack quack, Dr. Gramm.
April Epner: Your wife was seeing someone else?
Frank: Pretty much everyone else. I was too much for her.
April Epner: Your wife? I'm sure she didn't feel that way.
Frank: She told me.
April Epner: What did she say?
Frank: 'You're too much for me.'.
April Epner: Ugh.
Dex: You don't look happy. Mind if I call you "Groucho"?
Andrew 'Andy' Hanson: No, I don't mind.
Bill: They hate that I'm working at their bank. I hate that I'm working at their bank.
Vince: Hey coach. Name is Vince. I'm just a bartender from Philly whose only dream is to play ball. It's all I got left after I lost my job teaching, and my wife left me. Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on, "A man can only take so much failure!" I'll give you everything I got. What do you say coach?
Lambeau "Coach" Fields: I say you can add "Did not make the football team" to your list of woes.