The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bran Hypothesis - S1-E2

Sheldon: Oh Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

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The Desperation Emanation - S4-E5

Leonard: What about you, Stuart? You have a girlfriend yet?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I met her at Comic-Con, the one place in the world where saying I own a comic bookstore is an actual pickup line.

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The Desperation Emanation - S4-E5

Leonard: All right. Well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed.
Leonard: There ya go.

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Pilot - S1-E1

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

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Pilot - S1-E1

Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!
Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?

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The Extract Obliteration - S6-E6

Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I love brain teasers.
Stephen Hawking: What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener, neener.

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The Agreement Dissection - S4-E21

Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I am an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

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The Bat Jar Conjecture - S1-E13

Sheldon: At this point, I should inform you that I intend to form my own team and destroy the very bonds that bind your very matter together and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears!
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. [Turns to leave.] One more thing,
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch.

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The Dumpling Paradox - S1-E7

Sheldon: Every Saturday morning since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter cup of 2% milk, sat on that end of that couch, turned on BBC America and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
[Sheldon stares at Penny for some time.]
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment.

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Pilot - S1-E1

Sheldon: We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

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Sheldon: You participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.

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Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

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The Lizard-Spock Expansion - S2-E8

Howard Wolowitz: If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then FINE, I'm "creepy."

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The Vacation Solution - S5-E16

Howard: I'm not signing a pre-nup.
Penny: Alright, Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go, there is no way you will be able to find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not going to happen, we had a meeting!

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Pilot - S1-E1

Sheldon: You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart AND beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

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The Vegas Renormalization - S2-E21

Sheldon: I'm homesick
Penny: Your home is 20 feet from here!
Sheldon: 20 feet, 20 light years, doesn't matter.

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The Loobenfeld Decay - S1-E10

Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log on to SoCal physics group.org forward slash activities forward slash other, scroll down to seminars, download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippity boppity boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire!

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The White Asparagus Triangulation - S2-E9

[Sheldon points to a computer.]
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

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The Zazzy Substitution - S4-E3

Sheldon: May I point out that for eight long months, I suffered in silence as your female companion filled our apartment with her off key country music caterwauling, the unappetizing spectacle of grinding a pommel stone against her calloused feet in our living room, and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries about the Jersey Shore.
Leonard: Suffered in silence?
Sheldon: Yes, and I would expect you to do the same.
Leonard: Really? SILENCE!?

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Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I'm most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: That's how I'm gonna make it look.

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The Guitarist Amplification - S3-E7

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago, I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we're going to be late for the movies.

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The Guitarist Amplification - S3-E7

Penny: Wow, Sheldon. I had no idea you made a board game.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Research Lab is more than just a board game. As it says in the box, "the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."
Leonard Hofstadter: We must not be playing it right.

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Pilot - S1-E1

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

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Sheldon: You have about as much chance of going out with Penny as the Hubble Telescope has of finding that at the center of each black hole there's a little man with a flashlight trying to find the circuit breaker.

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The Hawking Excitation - S5-E21

Howard: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk. Why would I do anything nice for you?
Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.

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The Countdown Reflection - S5-E24

Sheldon: All right, my turn. Howard, Bernadette. DaQH Daj mo...DaQH...
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon.

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The Communication Deterioration - S8-E21

Penny: You are a wise man.
Sheldon: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon: No. It's the wise man. That's why he's called the wise man. You know how I know that? I'm the wise man.

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The Lizard-Spock Expansion - S2-E8

Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

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The Vegas Renormalization - S2-E21

Sheldon: While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
Penny: That's Superman's big ice thingy, right?
Sheldon: You know, I'm in such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

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Leonard: You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us? I get it.

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Howard: Did you hear about the accident in the radiation lab?
Leonard: No, what happened?
Howard: They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes and one of the techs got bit.
Raj: Did he get superpowers?
Howard: No, he got four stitches and a shot.
Raj: Oh. That's disappointing.

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The Loobenfeld Decay - S1-E10

Penny: Sheldon, have you any idea what time it is?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that you may have again been asking a rhetorical question.

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The White Asparagus Triangulation - S2-E9

[Walking into Penny's apartment.]
Sheldon: Were you robbed?
Penny: Uh, no.
Sheldon: How can you be sure?

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The White Asparagus Triangulation - S2-E9

Sheldon: Hi Stephanie, I'm sorry I'm late but your companion left me the most undecipherable invitation
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: [From note.] "We're going to the movies" What movie? What theater? What time? If you wanted to make it impossible to find you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh I could have.

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The Panty PiƱata Polarization - S2-E7

Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you're playing with forces beyond your ken.
Penny: Your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

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The Solder Excursion Diversion - S9-E19

Raj: When I come out the closet I am so nailing those guys.

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The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem - S2-E6

Penny: Holy crap on a cracker.

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The Fuzzy Boots Corollary - S1-E3

Raj: Tonight I spice my mead with goblin blood.

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The Countdown Reflection - S5-E24

Amy: Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

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The Colonization Application - S8-E17

Amy: We could also be the first people to procreate on Mars.
Sheldon: You just can't keep it in your space pants, can you?

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The Intimacy Acceleration - S8-E16

Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Sheldon: So it would be today? Huh... Well, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
Penny: Today's your birthday?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Well that's always been a secret. Not even Amy knows.
Sheldon: Well, I don't enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yelling surprise fills me with more dread than the words "George Lucas Director's Cut."

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The Intimacy Acceleration - S8-E16

Sheldon: Just out of curiosity, Penny, if this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, for Gary-Con? It's the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.
Penny: You know what, I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon T-shirts you want.
Sheldon: Okay, babe, let's do this.

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The Lizard-Spock Expansion - S2-E8

Sheldon: What happened?
Leonard: Howard's at the Mars Rover lab. He says he's in trouble. Defcon 5.
Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there's no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis.
Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1?
Raj: Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I.
Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that's a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V.
Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured.
Sheldon: No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
Leonard: Can we just forget I said Defcon and go?
Raj: Star Trek V!
Sheldon: All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is in-arguably the best?
Raj: I have three words for you. Wrath of Khan.

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The Lizard-Spock Expansion - S2-E8

Raj: I'll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

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The Intimacy Acceleration - S8-E16

Bernadette: You better find my husband's mother, 'cause one way or another we're walking out of this airport with a dead woman.

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The Vegas Renormalization - S2-E21

Sheldon: That's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO. Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I just don't see it.

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The Comic Book Store Regeneration - S8-E15

Raj: Wait, hang on. If you're really Nathan Fillion, what's the line from Firefly about your bonnet?
Customer: I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.
Leonard: That's it. That's the line.
Raj: Although, I knew the line, doesn't make me Nathan Fillion.
Customer: Do you want the picture or not?
Raj: I want a picture with Nathan Fillion.
Customer: How about a picture with a guy who looks like Nathan Fillion, but a little more annoyed than Nathan Fillion usually is?
Leonard: What do you think?
Raj: Eh, it's good enough for Facebook.

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The Hofstadter Isotope - S2-E20

Raj: Come on! You know I can't talk to women unless I'm lit up like the Hindu festival of Diwali.

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The Hofstadter Isotope - S2-E20

Leonard: Oh hey, Stuart. This is Penny. She's looking for some comic books.
Stuart: Oh, really? Blink twice if you're here against your will.

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The Comic Book Store Regeneration - S8-E15

Stuart: I can't believe she's gone. That woman took me in. If it wasn't for her, I would have been homeless.
Amy: One of us would have taken you in.
Stuart: Yeah, I don't recall any offers. But you know what, I'm glad it worked out the way it did, because I got to know this wonderful person.

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Penny: Can you help me? I was writing an email and the A key got stuck. Now it's just going "Aaaaaaa."

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The Luminous Fish Effect - S1-E4

Sheldon: Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser. How fortunate is it that the university has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce the great concept of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of the average bowel movement. Mahalo.

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The Classified Materials Turbulence - S2-E22

Penny: What the hell is that?
Wolowitz: Meatloaf.
Leonard: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Wolowitz: That's classified.

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The Lizard-Spock Expansion - S2-E8

Wolowitz: I got the Mars rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon Cooper: Where?
Wolowitz: On a dusty highway just outside of Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars!

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Sheldon: Coffee is out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.

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The Loobenfeld Decay - S1-E10

Leonard: I already lied. Why cover it up with another lie?
Sheldon Cooper: Because your lie was painfully transparent, whereas my lie is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was busy weaving an un-unravelable web.

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The 21-Second Excitation - S4-E8

Bernadette: I really love Howard's chest hair.
Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?
Bernadette: No, just the one, but it's really long.

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Sheldon: Oh, well, this would be one of those circumstances that people unfamiliar with the law of large numbers would call a coincidence.

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Mistakes

When Howard is almost done moving out of his mother's house, there is a table in front of him with a measuring device in the top corner. In one shot, the device moves to the opposite corner of the table. In a few shots later, the item returns to its original position.

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Trivia

In this episode, Sheldon and Amy are trying to decide on couples' themed Halloween costumes. Sheldon is standing in front of the dry erase board. There are 2 columns written on the board. One named "Couples I Like" and the other "Couples You Like." Under the "Couples You Like" column, one of the couples is Blossom and Joey. Blossom is the name of the television character played by Mayim Bialik in the 90s and Joey was one of her brothers.

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