House, M.D.
Movie Quote Quiz

Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

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Humpty Dumpty - S2-E3

Dr. Foreman: You really want to screw Whitey? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. Take the medicine.

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Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

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Pilot - S1-E1

House: [to Cameron.] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

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Season 1 generally

Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron: What's up?
Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.

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Occam's Razor - S1-E3

House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

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Kids - S1-E19

Dr. Wilson: My advice is much more subtle – stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.
House: Now it's people? I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Dr. Wilson: You have a history of this.
House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope's there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.

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Three Stories - S1-E21

House: I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.
Dr. Cuddy: Two. I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.

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Paternity - S1-E2

House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

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Lockdown - S6-E16

Dr. Foreman: [After being punched by Taub.] I wasn't ready!
Dr. Taub: What were you going to do, flex your goatee muscle?

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Friso94

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen!

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Humpty Dumpty - S2-E3

Dr. Cameron: He's not clotting properly; it looks like a mild case of DIC.
House: Well obviously not that mild. If this keeps up his hand is literally dead meat. His hand is connected to his arm; his arm is connected to... I'm not sure, but I bet it's important.

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The Mistake - S2-E8

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so bad then why didn't you fire him?
House: He has great hair.

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Deception - S2-E9

Dr. Cameron: Scan showed a mass in her pancreas.
Dr. Chase: Looks malign. Probably inoperable. I'd give her two months.
House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.

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Failure to Communicate - S2-E10

House: Did the MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
House: CT? That's like short for MRI, right?

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Skin Deep - S2-E13

Dr. Cameron: Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
House: Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts.

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Sex Kills - S2-E14

House: When guys have brain-crotch problems it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.

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Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?
House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
House: Just not as honest about it.

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Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
Samantha: Lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.

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Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?
House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.

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DNR - S1-E9

Dr. Wilson: [To House.] Some doctors have the messiah complex – they need to save the world. You have a Rubik's complex – you need to solve the puzzle.

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Histories - S1-E10

House: And what is the treatment for advanced ovarian cancer?
Dr. Foreman: Pine box.

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Histories - S1-E10

Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
House: I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

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Sports Medicine - S1-E12

House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh?
House: What? Are you saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Who?
House: Kevin. In Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name is Carl.
House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.

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Heavy - S1-E16

House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it'll be more cost-efficient to keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson: You should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
House: It will be more cost-efficient once I grab Cameron's ass, call Forman a spade, and Chase...well, I'll grab his ass too.

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Occam's Razor - S1-E3

Dr. Cuddy: [to House.] It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.

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Three Stories - S1-E21

Dr. House: Tell a surgeon it's okay to cut a leg off, he's gonna spend the night polishing his good hacksaw.

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Friso94

Office Politics - S7-E6

Dr. Cuddy: [While talking to Masters and House.] You'll figure something out. The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.

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Friso94

Office Politics - S7-E6

Dr. House: You said 'or'. The road to dead patients is paved with 'or's.

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Friso94

House vs. God - S2-E19

Dr. House: If you talk to God, you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic.

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Friso94

Safe - S2-E16

Dr. House: You wake up in the morning, the paint is peeling, the water is boiling and your curtains are gone, which problem do you deal with first?
Dr. Foreman: House!
Dr. House: None of them! The building is on fire.

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Friso94

House: [knocking on Dr. Wilson's door.] I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

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Dr. Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof.
House: Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.

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Damned If You Do - S1-E5

House: You know how it is with nuns - take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.

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Poison - S1-E8

House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell"?
Dr. Chase: I'm Australian.
House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.

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Poison - S1-E8

Dr. Cuddy: [to House.] Her only sign of mental illness is she disagrees with you. Some would consider that a sign of sanity.

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DNR - S1-E9

Dr. Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done... Trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you I also set aside $50,000 a year for legal expenses. So far you've come in under budget.

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Histories - S1-E10

Chris: You're reading a comic book.
House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry – I thought we were having a 'state the obvious' contest. I'm competitive by nature.

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Detox - S1-E11

House: I take risks - sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die. So I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

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Mob Rules - S1-E15

House: But I have a theory. There is one chemical that, if ingested, it causes a person's estrogen level to increase dramatically.
Bill: What is it?
House: It's called...estrogen.

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Heavy - S1-E16

Dr. Foreman: Have you seen the latest research?
Dr. Chase: Yes, I have. What I haven't seen lately is a kid eating an apple or riding a bike. You Americans can't even compete with the rest of the world in basketball anymore, unless, of course, it's the type you play with a remote control on a big screen TV.
Dr. Foreman: Right.
House: Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams!

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Role Model - S1-E17

Dr. Cuddy: In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.

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Role Model - S1-E17

House: Someday there will be a black president. Someday there will be a gay president. Maybe there'll even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see is gay, black, and dead.

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Babies & Bathwater - S1-E18

House: Sorry - up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you're not in your office?
House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.

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Kids - S1-E19

Dr. Spain: Wow. I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
House: Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara.
Dr. Wilson: So should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.

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Kids - S1-E19

House: Take these, go home, talk to your daughter.
Female Patient: What?
House: Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older to get into bars.
Female Patient: I don't have a daughter.
House: Next!

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Love Hurts - S1-E20

Dr. Cuddy: You lied to them!
Mrs. Park: He told us our son was dead.
House: It's only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he'll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush-hour traffic.

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Love Hurts - S1-E20

Clinic Lawyer: So what's that - two strokes you've scared this guy into?
House: Yeah - it's making me question my view of myself as a people person.

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Season 1 generally

House: Did I miss anything?
Dr. Chase: Kitchen sink?
House: Well, we could certainly give that...oh, you minx.

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Season 1 generally

Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Everyone stares.] I'm being House. It's funny.
Dr. Foreman: I know. You made milk come out my nose.

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Maternity - S1-E4

House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
Jill: Illegal?
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates...
House: [Showing her sonogram.] It has your eyes.

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The Socratic Method - S1-E6

Dr. House: Love the outfit. It says "I'm a professional, but I'm still a woman." Actually, it sort of yells the second part.
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

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Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

Dr. Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter.
Dr. House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all.

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Poison - S1-E8

Dr. Cameron: I'll check into it.
Dr. Foreman: I'll make the call.
Dr. Chase: I'll keep the kid alive. For a while at least.
House: I'll have lunch.

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Dr. Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?
House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Ummm, a little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.
House: It's five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.
Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.
House: What do you mean? You just said...?
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

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Season 1 generally

House: [Describing a case.] We've got Carmen Electra. Golfing.
Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?
House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer.

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Occam's Razor - S1-E3

House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!

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Mistakes

Episode 6.12, Moving The Chains: Marcus tells House that he and Eric were arrested for stealing a car, he was 16 and Eric was 14. He also says that his brother never did anything criminal after that. In season 1, we were told that Eric was 16 when he was arrested for stealing a car.

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Trivia

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role as Dr. Gregory House in his hotel room bathroom in Namibia. He was rehearsing his role for the film The Flight of the Phoenix and claimed that the bathroom was the only place with enough light. He also apologized for his appearance on tape before the audition as he'd just come back from filming. The fact that House has a somewhat scruffy and unkempt look, particularly his constant five o'clock shadow, has been attributed by creator David Shore to Laurie's appearance in this audition tape.

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