House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Dr. Wilson: My advice is much more subtle – stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.
House: Now it's people? I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Dr. Wilson: You have a history of this.
House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope's there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.
Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?
House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
House: Just not as honest about it.
House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?
House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?
Samantha: My husband?
House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.
House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh?
House: What? Are you saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Who?
House: Kevin. In Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name is Carl.
House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.
House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it'll be more cost-efficient to keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson: You should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
House: It will be more cost-efficient once I grab Cameron's ass, call Forman a spade, and Chase...well, I'll grab his ass too.
Dr. Cuddy: When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done... Trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you I also set aside $50,000 a year for legal expenses. So far you've come in under budget.
Dr. Foreman: Have you seen the latest research?
Dr. Chase: Yes, I have. What I haven't seen lately is a kid eating an apple or riding a bike. You Americans can't even compete with the rest of the world in basketball anymore, unless, of course, it's the type you play with a remote control on a big screen TV.
Dr. Foreman: Right.
House: Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams!
Dr. Spain: Wow. I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
House: Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara.
Dr. Wilson: So should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.
House: Take these, go home, talk to your daughter.
Female Patient: What?
House: Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older to get into bars.
Female Patient: I don't have a daughter.
House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
House: [Showing her sonogram.] It has your eyes.
Dr. Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?
House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Ummm, a little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.
House: It's five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.
Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.
House: What do you mean? You just said...?
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.
House: [Describing a case.] We've got Carmen Electra. Golfing.
Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?
House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer.