Monk (2002)

Dr. Shuler: You’re gonna feel normal for a while. And then there’s gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
Monk: Vomiting?
Dr. Shuler: That’s right. Followed by death.
Monk: Vomiting.
Dr. Shuler: Yes. Followed by death.
Monk: Vomiting!
Dr. Shuler: Adrian, I really need you to focus on the last part of that sentence. There’s gonna be some vomiting... and then death.
Monk: Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened.

Mr. Monk Makes A Friend - S5-E11

Monk: [On the phone with Hal] Oh that, that, that was just my assistant, Natalie. Uh? Ah, hold on, I'll see. [Speaking to Natalie] Are you hot?

Bishop73

Mr. Monk is the Best Man - S8-E13

Randy Disher: I think somebody's trying to scare you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but why? I mean, it doesn't track. If the guy wants a piece of me, if he wants to hurt me, why doesn't he come at me? What's all this cat and mouse crap?
Disher: So who's on your short list?
Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Disher: Or both.
Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Dog - S8-E11

Monk: Your aunt Natalie's out front, so she'll probably give you a ride home.
Anne Marie: You said $5.
Monk: Right. Oh, do you have change for a $100?
Anne Marie: Yes.
Monk: Really? Then you won't need my five.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk On Wheels - S7-E11

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look at that. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Randy Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: A former what?
Randy: A former cop shooter.
Vince: You mean he use to shoot cops?
Randy: No he shot someone who use to be a cop.
Vince: Why didn't you say that?

Bishop73

Mr. Monk's 100th Case - S7-E7

Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.
Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?
Joey Krenshaw: It's like a verbal root canal.
Hal: Excruciating.
James Novak: How did you feel when he arrested you?
Hal: I actually...I was feeling sorry for him. I felt like he was the village idiot or something. It was humiliating.
Jimmy: Until that there summation thing.
Hal: Oh my god. The summation. I love when people tell me what I've already done.
Joey: Droned! Just, ugh, longest four minutes of my life.
Hal: I mean, I know what I did. I killed her. I didn't need him to tell me.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Is on the Run (1) - S6-E15

County Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispering to his lawyer].
Monk's Lawyer: Um, with the court's permission. Could you make it an even million?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Three Julies - S6-E13

Dr. Kroger: So, uh, a glass eyeball, huh?
Monk: The mother died three months ago. The son never reported it.
Dr. Kroger: Wait, did the son kill the mother?
Monk: The doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body. He carried her from room to room like nothing happened.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. See, he couldn't function without her. They call it "radical cognitive bonding."
Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Kroger. Yes. And I've always been very proud of you for that.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Visits a Farm - S5-E14

Jimmy Belmont: Well, here I am. You wanna ask me something, go right ahead.
Monk: OK. What's back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy: Fields of reefer? What kind of cop were you?
Monk: You know what I mean. Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Babba.
Jimmy: What makes you think I'd actually...
Monk: Magic Dragon, Bambalachi, Yellow Submarine, Black Bart, Doctor Giggles, Kentucky Blue. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Railroad Weed. That's right, the Devil's Parsley. Skunk. Splim, Splam, Mooster. Side Salad.
Jimmy: Side Salad?

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy - S5-E15

Julie Teeger: There you go. You're online.
Monk: Oh... Oh... I'm on the web! The World Wide Web.
Julie Teeger: Welcome to 1998, Mr. Monk.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion - S5-E6

Randy Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He got a waiver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Disher: Right. Number two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And number three, he moved to Europe in the late 80's. So there's no record of him ever returning.
Stottlemeyer: Randy. Randy. Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you read number two again?
Disher: Okeedoke. He's dead.
Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Disher: You would have switched them?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing - S5-E4

Randy Disher: Is that your Ferrari out there?
Peter Breen: That's one of them.
Randy: Do you like it? I was thinking of getting one myself. It's either between that or the Ford Festiva.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike - S5-E2

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have been burned twice this week already. Are you sure about this? I mean, are you absolutely sure? [Monk smiles] That's good enough for me.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk and the Actor - S5-E1

Dr. Kroger: And they cancelled the movie?
Monk: He said he wanted to play a character that wasn't so dark and depressing. He's in England, doing Hamlet.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan - S3-E1

Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I am the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me...turning off your morphine. [Turns off morphine. Long pause. Monk covers his eyes and begins to cry.] And this is Trudy, the woman you killed...turning it back on. [Turns on morphine].

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Goes to the Office - S4-E4

Natalie: I use to work at a place like this. I lasted about two weeks. You do the same thing everyday.
Monk: The same thing.
Natalie: After a while, you get to feel like a number.
Monk: A number.
Natalie: You're just like everybody else.
Monk: Everybody else.
Natalie: You're basically a drone.
Monk: A drone.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan - S3-E1

Sharona: See? You did it. You rode the subway. I'm proud of you, you're becoming a real New Yorker.
Monk: I rode on the subway.
Homeless Man: Change?
Monk: Yes, I think I did.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Gets Married - S2-E15

Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: This shelf. I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room
Sharona: Well, when you turn off the light, you won't see it.
Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dream world.

Bishop73

Mr. Monk Goes Back to School - S2-E1

Monk: Hold on. You'll thank me later.
Sharona: You always say that. Have I ever once thanked you later?
Monk: No.

Bishop73