Aris Boch: Doctor Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
Daniel Jackson: I'm an archaeologist.
Aris Boch: I know. But you're also a doctor.
Daniel Jackson: Of archaeology.
Aris Boch: Never mind. Captain, you must have some medical training.
Samantha Carter: Actually, I'm a major now.
Aris Boch: Oh, well, how very important. I'll inform the galaxy.
Daniel Jackson: How goes it on your end?
Cameron Mitchell: [To Vala] How goes it on our end?
Vala Mal Doran: I think I have it. Maybe.
Mitchell: Vala.
Vala: There's a 70% chance that if we dial manually, we'll be able to establish a connection, and a 50% chance the bomb will just go off.
Mitchell: That's 120%.
Vala: Well, there's some crossover where we establish a wormhole and it blows up.
Mitchell: Jackson, did you catch any of that?
Jackson: Yeah. 100% chance we should have brought someone who knows what they're doing. Yeah, I head. Daniel out.
Lt. Col. Mitchell: All right, hold the phone. And I and I ask this not 100% sure that I want to know the answer. Whose baby is it?
Vala Mal Doran: That's the thing. I don't know.
Lt. Col. Carter: As in...?
Vala: I swear, I did none of the necessary bits. Between my arrival in the Ori galaxy and my wedding night, which was definitely after I knew for sure, there is no way humanly possible that I know of that I could've gotten pregnant. [Long pause] Someone going to say something? Anybody?
Teal'c: You have been impregnated without copulation?
Vala: Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?
[Mitchell and Carter look at each other]
Mitchell: Well...There's one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really? How did that turn out?
Mitchell: Actually, I was thinking of King Arthur.
Carter: You were?
Citizen Joe - S8-E15
Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of life of a barber in Indiana for seven years and you never mentioned it?
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. Sure I did. I know I did.
Samantha Carter: No. No, you didn't, sir.
Jack O'Neill: I didn't?
Daniel Jackson: You didn't find it the least bit odd?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, no. I found it quite...relaxing.
Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Colonel O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!
General Hammond: Ah, Jack! Come in. Colonel, you know Colonel Chekov, the Russian envoy to the SGC.
Colonel O'Neill: We've met.
Hammond: Colonel Chekov feels that as a symbol of our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, sir.
Hammond: Colonel?
O'Neill: I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm pretty sure I'll say "bite me."
Hammond: Colonel, would you excuse us?
Chekov: General. [Walks out the room]
O'Neill: [To Chekov] So sorry.
Revelations - S5-E22
Heimdall: As a race, the Asgard reproduce exclusively through a process of enhanced cellular mitosis.
Samantha Carter: Are you serious? You have no other means of propagation?
Heimdall: No.
Jack O'Neill: Carter?
Carter: They're clones, sir. All of them.
O'Neill: Ah. Well, that answers a few questions.
Heimdall: In fact, for nearly a thousand years we have been physically incapable of achieving cell division through meiosis.
O'Neill: [Confused, looks at Carter] Hmm?
Carter: [Whispering] Sexual reproduction, sir.
O'Neill: Ah. [To Heimdall] A thousand years?
Heimdall: It is usually not something we discuss with other races.
O'Neill: This I understand.
Peter DeLuise: You realise this is not a real show, right?
Michael DeLuise: What are you talking about? You're saying the "Wormhole Extreme" is not a real show? We did all this...all this is-
Peter DeLuise: Yeah, it's not a real show. It's a fake show.
Michael DeLuise: Does my agent know about this?
Peter DeLuise: [As the Director] You're heroic... and just look over here at this eye line over there.
Michael DeLuise: This isn't a real show?
Peter DeLuise: No. It's not a real show.
Michael DeLuise: If it's not a real show, then why are you telling me what to do? How could this not be a real show if we're doing it right now? Am I getting paid real money?
Peter DeLuise: Yeah, you're getting paid real money.
Michael DeLuise: Well...I... Whoa. So, what plane of reality are we on right now?
Christian Bocher: I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant, which is based on the character Daniel Jackson portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader in the feature film.
Yolanda Reese: [Speaking to the Director and Martin] Guys.
Martin: Ah, miss Reese.
Reese: Uh, I'm having a little trouble with scene 27. It says that I'm out of phase, which means that I can pass my hand through solid matter, or I can walk through walls.
Director: Yeah, yeah. 'Cause you're "out of phase."
Martin: Um, exactly.
Reese: So...how come I don't fall through the floor?
[Martin and the Director stare at Reese, then each other, then back at Reese].
Martin: We're gonna have to get back to you on that one.
Homeless Man: You a cop?
Colonel O'Neill: Air Force. Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Homeless Man: I was in 'Nam.
Colonel O'Neill: Yeah? What company?
Homeless Man: Vacation. A long time ago.
Senator Kinsey: I read the mission reports that come out of that mountain. You play with the fate of this planet on a daily basis.
Colonel O'Neill: I'm doing the job I was asked to do. I doubt very much your constituents could say the same about you.
Senator Kinsey: Oh, please. Given the chance, half of all American citizens won't even vote and the half that do vote are too stupid to know what they're doing.
Colonel O'Neill: Which explains how you got elected.
Jack O'Neill: Armin, let me do you a favor. You don't know anything. Don't embarrass yourself.
Armin Selig: I know those two brilliant flashes in the night sky a few months ago were really alien ships on their way to attack Earth. You blew them up.
Jack O'Neill: I did? All right. [Sighs] If you're gonna go ahead with it, I want to make sure you get one thing right. It's O'Neill with two L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L. He has no sense of humor at all.
Chosen answer: It's never actually mentioned on the show, though in the 'Continuum' universe, she says she's been with Ba'al for 50 years.
MoonFaery ★