Family Guy

Family Guy (1999)

44 quotes

Lois: Hello?
Peter: I can't take the trash out today, I'm working late at the office.
Lois: The caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
Peter: [Edging sideways.] OK, can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Now I am at the office.

Add time

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein - S3-E22

Peter Griffin: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Add time

Petarded - S4-E6

Peter Griffin: Your Honor, I call to the stand my surprise witness: The Ghost That Never Lies.
Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOH!
Peter Griffin: But only I can see him and hear him, so I'll tell you what he's doing and saying.
Child Welfare Agent: Objection, Your Honor! This is ridiculous!
Judge: Objection overruled. I'll allow it. You had better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin.
Peter Griffin: Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

Add time

Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.
Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian: That's Street Fighter.
Peter: Red, blue, green...
Brian: Those are colors.

Add time

Barely Legal - S5-E8

Connie: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed. So, you're going to have to leave. But Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have this theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian, let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no, no, no, no. Hang on a minute, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve. But now you can't stand to look in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age nineteen, you're gonna be a worn out chalky skinned burlap sack that even your own stepdad won't want. How is that? Am I in the ballpark?
[Connie runs off crying.].

Add time

Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself. I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
[Lois and Peter stare in silence.]
Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts.
[Peter and Lois keep staring.]
Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me! [Runs upstairs.]
Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?

Add time

If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' - S2-E9

Peter: Don't worry. I read a book about this sort of thing.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't NOTHING?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Add time

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas - S3-E16

Peter: Lois, can't we just tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I would never lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, I'll kill your mother.

Add time

Blue Harvest - S6-E1

Lois Griffin: Aren't you a little fat for a storm trooper?
Chris Griffin: Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

Add time

Road to the Multiverse - S8-E1

[Stewie and Brian are in the Robot Chicken Universe.]
Stewie: So, how does it feel to be on a major network for fifteen minutes?
Chris: FUCK YOU!

Add time

Model Misbehavior - S4-E10

Peter Griffin: You know something, Lois? I think Meg was right. Lowering yourself and women and somethin' and all that noise!

Add time

amycamille1975

Stewie Kills Lois (1) - S6-E5

Ship captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.

Add time

[Lois is washing Stewie in the sink.]
Stewie: Not so hard, woman! You're washing a baby's hair, not cleaning the vomit off your party dress, you holiday drunk!

Add time

Petarded - S4-E6

Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad!
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, you idiot.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

Add time

A Hero Sits Next Door - S1-E5

[Peter learns Joe is in a wheelchair.]
Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Add time

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... Like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Add time

The Story on Page 1 - S2-E19

Peter Griffin: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Add time

Stewie: Lois! I've got a gift for you. I'll give you a hint - it's in my pants and it's not a toaster.

Add time

[Joe Swanson is hanging on the edge of a waterfall in a sewer and Lois is trying to pull him up.]
Lois Griffin: Joe, I can't hold you! You're too heavy!
Joe Swanson: Lois! Pretend I'm one of your children!
[Lois begins to let go of his hand.]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

Add time

Peter: [to Lois.] Yeah, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time, and I'M the man.

Add time

The Story on Page 1 - S2-E19

Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France.

Add time

The Story on Page 1 - S2-E19

Brian Griffin: If I remember correctly, this is the Physics department.
Chris Griffin: That explains all the gravity.

Add time

Fat Guy Strangler - S4-E17

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor: [revealing comic he was reading.] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Add time

Wasted Talent - S2-E20

Lois: Peter, you're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

Add time

Meg: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois: Of course not, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg: Craig Hoffman.
Peter: Craig...Craig Hoffman? Hmmm, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

Add time

Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles.]
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Add time

Lethal Weapons - S3-E7

Tom Tucker: I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Add time

Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[Both laugh.]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Both stare in horror at the camera.].

Add time

Waiter: Your coffee, madam.
Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.
Stewie: Cut my eggs!
Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it. If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail, and I promise I won't make it easy for you.

Add time

A Hero Sits Next Door - S1-E5

The Grinch: You thought you have won. You thought all is well. But kiss my green ass, I shall see you in hell.

Add time

North by North Quahog - S4-E1

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny...
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

Add time

Running Mates - S2-E10

Peter: Brian, I am just as non-competitive as anyone else. As a matter of fact I'm the most non-competitive, so I win.

Add time

Death Has a Shadow - S1-E1

Peter: Y'know I feel kinda bad you guys, I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.
Quagmire: Aw, Don't feel bad, Peter.
Peter: Huh. Gee, I never thought of it like that.

Add time

I Never Met the Dead Man - S1-E2

[Stewie plays with his Sesame Street phone.]
Ernie's voice: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr.Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest and as for Linda, well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin aproach, now isn't it?

Add time

Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Lois: I'm a little worried about Stewie.
Peter: Lois, can we stop talking about curtains for just a second?

Add time

The Kiss Seen Around the World - S3-E8

Tom Tucker: Children washing cars, is there anything more arousing?

Add time

Death Has a Shadow - S1-E1

Brian: Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?

Add time

Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3

Peter: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a big, fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Add time

Chris Griffin: Stewie, do you want a sundae?
Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find...I shall kill you!

Add time

Holy Crap - S2-E2

Peter: My father's been working at the plant for 60 years. That's nearly 80 years.

Add time

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? - S3-E14

Officer: Hey, I recognize you. You're that black guy I saw on TV.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that's me.
Officer: [Into radio.] We have a stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin: This is my...
Officer: [Into radio.] Subject getting beligerant.
Peter Griffin: I'm not...
Officer: [Into radio.] Officer down.

Add time

Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here Tom.
Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.

Add time

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOOOOOOO'.
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Add time

Share

Follow