The Simpsons

Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4

[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.

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The Simpsons Christmas Special: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire - S1-E1

Homer: [buying a chewtoy for Maggie.] It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

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Homer's brain: It's simple, just use reverse psycology.
Homer: Reverse psycology? That sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Alright, don't use reverse psycology.
Homer: Alright, I will!

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Marge vs. the Monorail - S4-E12

Marge: Homer, I think I've found someone who can help!
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: IT'S NOT BATMAN.

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Tree House of Horror XII - S13-E1

Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad, that's the water softener.
Homer: Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack.

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Cubs Fan

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (2) - S7-E1

Chief Wiggum: This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh."

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Bishop73

Grampa: Bart broke my teeth!
Homer: Daaad! you and your stories... Bart broke my teeth, the nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger.

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Lisa Gets an A - S10-E7

Bart: Oh, I'm starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get Communion wafers and booze?

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The Simpsons Christmas Special: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire - S1-E1

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

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Barting Over - S14-E11

Tony Hawk: Hey, Blink 182! Crank it up!
Tom DeLonge We have names, y'know!
Tony Hawk: Whatever.
Mark Hoppus: Man, let's trash this place.
Travis Barker: After we get paid.
Mark Hoppus: Nice.

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Homer: Insurance is the greatest deal ever. If I get hurt, I get paid. And man do I get hurt!

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Bart Sells His Soul - S7-E4

[Listening to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" in church.]
Homer: Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?

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King of the Hill - S9-E23

Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.

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The Springfield Files - S8-E10

Marge: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No! Well, ten beers.

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Bart Star - S9-E6

Nelson's Father: Great game, son. I'm taking you to Hooters.
Nelson: Aw, I don't want to bother Mom at work.

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Homer vs. Dignity - S12-E5

Edna: Let's do it on Martin's desk!
Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.

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Springfield Connection - S6-E23

Homer: When Marge joined the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, "Spaceballs." Instead, it's been dark and depressing, like that movie "Police Academy."

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Homer to the Max - S10-E13

Marge: I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Max Power doesn't snuggle. You just strap yourself in and feel the Gs!

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Jaws Wired Shut - S13-E9

[Homer is at Moe's Bar talking about when his jaw was broken.]
Homer: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen! You can learn so much if you just listen once in a while.
Lenny: Let's try it!
[They listen and hear Moe on the phone in a back room.]
Moe: Hello, uh, I'd like to arrange for an escort, please? TO WHERE? How about orgasm-ville, ya dumb - hey, hello? Hello?

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Jimbo: Dude, you kissed a girl! That is so gay.

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Homer Goes to College - S5-E3

Dean: Hello, that sounds like a pig fainting.

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Eight Misbehavin' - S11-E7

[Apu and Manjula are dealing with the stress of eight kids.]
Manjula: Apu, it's 4 A.M.! You'll be late for work!
Apu: [Groans.] I just had a wonderful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh no you don't. Not till they're out of college.
Apu: Hey, woman, I'll die when I want to.

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Tree House of Horror V - S6-E6

Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer something something...
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: DON'T MIND IF I DO!

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Homer the Moe - S13-E3

Homer: Hello?
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie.
Homer: Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger."
Homer: What's the gag?
Bart: Oh, forget it.

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Cubs Fan

Brother From Another Series - S8-E16

Sideshow Bob: You do know I had a...problem with trying to...kill people?
Cecil: [sarcastic] Goodness, I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Sideshow Bob: Touché, Cecil.

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Cubs Fan

Homer vs. the 18th Amendment - S8-E18

Rex Banner: You're out there, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.
Homer Simpson: [faintly from the horizon.] No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will.
Homer Simpson: Won't!

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Cubs Fan

Marge: Homer, wake up!
Homer: Why? Did the house run away? Dog on fire?

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Squeaky Voiced Teen: We're out of Secret Sauce. Go and put this mayonnaise out in the sun.

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Homer: I won't lie to you Marge... Well, good night.

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Weekend at Burnsie's - S13-E16

Otto: They call them fingers, but I never see them fing. Oh, there they go.

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Weekend at Burnsie's - S13-E16

Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Whoa whoa, one question at a time.

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Insane Clown Poppy - S12-E3

Homer: I won't lie to you. Fatherhood is not easy - like motherhood.

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Bart's Inner Child - S5-E7

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'.

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Homer: You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

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A Star is Born-Again - S14-E13

Ned Flanders: It's so nice to shop for a woman again. The last thing I bought for a woman was a casket.

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TV Announcer: Coming up next, Carmen Electra stars in "Boobs", about psychology students and their teacher who wants to be take seriously.
Homer: Aw. I thought it was about her boobs.

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Grampa: I already got enough doctors poking at me here and pinching me over here and grabbing me down here and jiggling me under here. And that's just the receptionist!

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Homer the Vigilante - S5-E11

Homer Simpson: Aw, dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

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Homer Simpson: No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

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Homer Simpson: Trying is the first step towards failure.

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Homer Simpson: Marge, it takes two to lie, one to lie and one to listen.

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Lisa the Vegetarian - S7-E5

Homer: Look, look I got my invitations back from the printers.
Lisa: "Come to Homer's B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B." What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

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Homer: Who's going to watch the kids?
Marge: You are!
Homer: Me? But I'm the father!

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Homer: I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

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Lisa the Vegetarian - S7-E5

Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No Ralph, there aren't any more. Just put your head down on your desk and sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

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Homer's Odyssey - S1-E3

Homer: Beer! Now there's a temporary solution!

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Tree House of Horror III: The Simpson's Halloween Special III - S4-E5

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?

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The PTA Disbands - S6-E21

Flanders: I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Skinner: I don't agree with that.

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Boy Scoutz N the Hood - S5-E8

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: But Homer, twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.
Homer: Woo hoo!

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Homer to the Max - S10-E13

Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster.

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Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church, Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Makes sound effects and laughs.] Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze.

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Sideshow Bob: Urgh. Rakes, my arch-enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch-enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

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Bart the Genius - S1-E2

Mrs. Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [She looks at Bart.] If any.

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There's No Disgrace Like Home - S1-E4

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.

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The Front - S4-E19

Teacher: Alright, here are your exams. 50 questions. True or false.
Homer: True.
Teacher: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True.
Teacher: Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
Homer: False.

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$pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) - S5-E10

Bum: Got any spare change, man?
Grampa: Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants something for nothing. [He walks into the Social Security Office.] I'm old! Gimme gimme gimme!

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The Last Temptation of Homer - S5-E9

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo -
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man in the bar starts crying and runs out.]
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo-Jo!

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The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons - S9-E7

Apu: Okay, quickly, what is your favourite food, book and movie?
Manjula: The answer to all three is 'Fried Green Tomatoes'.

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And Maggie Makes Three - S6-E13

[Maggie is being born.]
Homer: Aw, it's a boy! And WHAT a boy!
Dr Hibbert: That's its umbilical cord. It's a girl.

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Homer: Please, don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

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Dog of Death - S3-E19

Homer: He may have all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy!
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [Pauses.] A dinosaur.

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Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ehhh. Who pays for that wedding?

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Marge: Homer, no! You'll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying.

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Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5

[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]
Patty: [after seeing Homer.] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

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Homer: Marge, can I get a duck?
Marge: You already have a monkey!
Homer: Can he get a duck?

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Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

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Blood Feud - S2-E22

[Homer goes to the post office to get a letter he accidentally sent to Mr Burns.]
Homer: [In an obviously fake voice.] Hello, my name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Clerk: OK, Mr Burns, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.

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The Canine Mutiny - S8-E20

Comic Book Store Owner: Now make like my pants and split!

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'Tis the Fifteenth Season - S15-E7

Krusty: So, in the spirit of the Christmas season, start shopping! And for every dollar spent on Krusty merchandise, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

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Homer: Weaseling out of things is important for kids to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

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Brother From Another Series - S8-E16

Bart: Inside the body of every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice versa.

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22 Short Films About Springfield - S7-E21

Principal Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be — Good lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! The house is on fire!
Principal Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

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Homer: If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

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Homer Goes to College - S5-E3

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.

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Homer Defined - S3-E5

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

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Marge in Chains - S4-E21

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he's sorta had it in for me since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.

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Last Exit to Springfield - S4-E17

Mr. Burns: Who's that man?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: Actually sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Ehh...doesn't ring a bell.

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Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

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Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

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Homer: Please press any key. Where's the any key?

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Lisa's Substitute - S2-E19

Lisa: Dad, you're not listening!
Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care it doesn't mean I'm not listening!

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The Great Louse Detective - S14-E6

Bart/Lisa: Aaaaah! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Please. We've known each other for so long. Call me Bob.
Bart/Lisa: Aaaaah! Bob!

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Sideshow Bob: Rakes! My old arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: Don't flatter yourself.

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Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery. But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH.

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Homer: What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

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Homer: To alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

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Homer vs. Patty and Selma - S6-E17

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding.

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Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

[Homer is driving and crashes into a statue of a deer.]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

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Das Bus - S9-E14

Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!

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Mistakes

This is a mistake for the introduction for the later episodes. When Homer screams, he turns round. You see this in a wide shot. There are no boxes to the right of the door in the garage. However, two just appear out of thin air when he runs through the garage.

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Trivia

The Simpsons holds the record for most guest stars; it is also the only non-variety show to have had appearances from three former Beatles (Paul, George and Ringo).

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