The Simpsons

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Movie Quote Quiz

New Kid on the Block - S4-E8

New this week
Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Neverending Story."

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Skinner's Sense of Snow - S12-E8

New this month
Nelson: Hey, look how much Skinner makes: $25,000 a year.
Bart: Let's see, he's 40 years old times 25 grand. Whoa, he's a millionaire.
Skinner: I wasn't a principal when I was one.
Nelson: Plus, in the summer, he paints houses.
Milhouse: He's a billionaire.
Skinner: If I were a billionaire, why would I be living with my mother? [All the kids laugh at him.] They're just not responding to logic anymore.

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Treehouse of Horror XIX - S20-E4

New this month
Nelson: Touch me and I'll cut your friend.
The Grand Pumpkin: What do I care? That's a yellow pumpkin.
Nelson: [Gasps] You're a racist.
The Grand Pumpkin: All pumpkins are racist. The difference is I admit it.

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Tree House of Horror III: The Simpson's Halloween Special III - S4-E5

New this month
Carl: Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island.
Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
Carl: Apes, but they're not so big.

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Hurricane Neddy - S8-E8

New this month
[A young Ned Flanders is tormenting other kids.]
Flanders: Wee, I'm Dick Tracy. Bam! Take that Pruneface. Now I'm Pruneface, take that Dick Tracy. Now I'm Prune Tracy, take that Dick Fa...
Dr. Foster: Ned, stop it at once.

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Homie the Clown - S6-E15

New this month
[Krusty the Clown and Homer dressed up as Krusty are standing next to each other].
Legs: I'm seeing double here. Four Krustys.

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Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

New this month
Marge: [Referring to Bart's new pet elephant] Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Homer: Heh heh, he does look like Al Gore.

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Tree House of Horror X - S11-E4

[The Simpsons are driving down a road as fast as possible.]
Homer: Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me you'll save my life now.
[The gas needle immediately drops to empty and the car stops.]
Homer: D'oh.

Homer's brain: It's simple, just use reverse psycology.
Homer: Reverse psycology? That sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Alright, don't use reverse psycology.
Homer: Alright, I will!

All Singing, All Dancing - S9-E11

Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get "Waiting to Exhale?"
Homer: Well, they put us on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but they said "Don't hold your breath."

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The Simpsons Christmas Special: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire - S1-E1

Homer: [buying a chewtoy for Maggie.] It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Tree House of Horror VIII - S9-E4

[Homer is shopping for a bomb shelter.]
Herman: Now this baby is called the "Withstandinator." It can take a six megaton blast. No more, no less.
Homer: Ooh.

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The Cartridge Family - S9-E5

TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield. It's all here: fast kicking, low scoring. And ties? You bet.
Bart: Hey Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
Homer: I don't know.
TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Arriaga, Arriaga II, Barriaga, Aruglia, and Pizzozza.
Homer: Oh, I've never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs.
Homer: Woohoo!
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth. Mexico or Portugal.

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The Computer Wore Menace Shoes - S12-E6

Agnes: Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?
Principal Skinner: No, mother.
Agnes: You sissy.

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The Trouble With Trillions - S9-E20

IRS Agent: Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day. Did you really think you could fool it?

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The Cartridge Family - S9-E5

Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.
Raphael: Aisle 6, next to the sympathy cards.

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Lisa the Vegetarian - S7-E5

Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausage in that syrup Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbecue-wrecking know-nothing know-it-all.

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Simpson Tide - S9-E19

TV Announcer: Next on Exploitation Theater: "Blacula." Followed by "Blackenstein" and "The Blunchblack of Blotre Blame."
Homer: Whoo, funky.

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Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore - S15-E12

Groundskeeper Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!
Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life.

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Treehouse of Horror XIII - S14-E1

Zombie Billy the Kid: Now I'd like you to meet the Hole in the Ground gang: Frank and Jesse James. The Sundance Kid.
Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?
Zombie Sundance Kid: "What happened to Butch Cassidy?" We're not joined at the hip, you know.
Zombie Billy the Kid: And the most evil German of all time: Kaiser Wilhelm.
[Everyone is confused]
Zombie Frank James: He ain't a cowboy!
Zombie Kaiser Wilhelm: Sure I am. Yippee. Whippee. Whippee.
Zombie Frank James: Okay, he's in.

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My Big Fat Geek Wedding - S15-E17

Skinner: I'm starting to get cold feet. Please don't tell anyone.
Homer: Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. Marge, guess what? Skinner wants to bail on his wedding.
Skinner: Homer, you're still talking to me.
Homer: Oh man is this awkward.

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Treehouse of Horror XIII - S14-E1

Zombie Billy the Kid: [to Homer] Play us some piani. [Homer begins playing "Fur Elise" and Billy the Kid fires his guns in response] That's piano, I said piani! [Homer begins playing some honky tonk].

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Saddlesore Galactica - S11-E13

Homer: That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come.

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Marge vs. the Monorail - S4-E12

Marge: Homer, I think I've found someone who can help!
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: IT'S NOT BATMAN.

Tree House of Horror XII - S13-E1

Homer: Die, you monster!
Lisa: Dad, that's the water softener.
Homer: Well, I am missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack.

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Who Shot Mr. Burns? (2) - S7-E1

Chief Wiggum: This bullet matches the one we took out of Burns. Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh."

Bishop73

Grampa: Bart broke my teeth!
Homer: Daaad! you and your stories... Bart broke my teeth, the nurses are stealing my money. This thing on my neck is getting bigger.

Lisa Gets an A - S10-E7

Bart: Oh, I'm starving. Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get Communion wafers and booze?

The Simpsons Christmas Special: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire - S1-E1

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.
Homer: Yeah, if you want one you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

Barting Over - S14-E11

Tony Hawk: Hey, Blink 182! Crank it up!
Tom DeLonge We have names, y'know!
Tony Hawk: Whatever.
Mark Hoppus: Man, let's trash this place.
Travis Barker: After we get paid.
Mark Hoppus: Nice.

Homer: Insurance is the greatest deal ever. If I get hurt, I get paid. And man do I get hurt!

Bart Sells His Soul - S7-E4

[Listening to "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" in church.]
Homer: Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?

King of the Hill - S9-E23

Homer: If God didn't want us to eat in church, he'd have made gluttony a sin.

The Springfield Files - S8-E10

Marge: Have you been drinking?
Homer: No! Well, ten beers.

Bart Star - S9-E6

Nelson's Father: Great game, son. I'm taking you to Hooters.
Nelson: Aw, I don't want to bother Mom at work.

Homer vs. Dignity - S12-E5

Edna: Let's do it on Martin's desk!
Skinner: It is usually the cleanest.

Springfield Connection - S6-E23

Homer: When Marge joined the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, "Spaceballs." Instead, it's been dark and depressing, like that movie "Police Academy."

Homer to the Max - S10-E13

Marge: I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.
Homer: Max Power doesn't snuggle. You just strap yourself in and feel the Gs!

Boy Scoutz N the Hood - S5-E8

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: But Homer, twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Homer to the Max - S10-E13

Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster.

Jaws Wired Shut - S13-E9

[Homer is at Moe's Bar talking about when his jaw was broken.]
Homer: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen! You can learn so much if you just listen once in a while.
Lenny: Let's try it!
[They listen and hear Moe on the phone in a back room.]
Moe: Hello, uh, I'd like to arrange for an escort, please? TO WHERE? How about orgasm-ville, ya dumb - hey, hello? Hello?

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important for kids to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

Homer Defined - S3-E5

Smithers: Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.

Burns' Heir - S5-E18

Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.

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Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner - S11-E3

Luigi: Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head in his bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review. True story.
Captain McAllister: Arr, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
Akira: Then why did you put yours in the window?
Captain McAllister: Arr, it covered up the D from the health inspector.
Restaurant Owner: Well I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
Akira: No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him.
Izzy: Now hold on a minute. Are we restaurateurs or are we murderers?
Captain McAllister: Does that answer your question? [Points to a plaque on the wall intended for Homer's head.]
Akira: We'll kill him at the Taste of Springfield Festival. Well give Homer all he can eat, 'til he can eat no more. Then he'll get his just dessert.
French Chef: [Showing a picture of an eclair] This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.
Restaurant Owner: Come on, you're gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.
French Chef: This eclair is over one million calories, 25 lbs of butter per square inch, covered with chocolate so dark, light cannot escape its surface. [Everyone else drools and paws at the picture.] No, no, no. This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.
Akira: Ah yes, death by chocolate. Ah ha ha ha.
French Chef: And poison. I'll stick in some poison.

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Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in 'The Curse of the Flying Hellfish' - S7-E22

Abe: [Showing Bart his tattoo] I got this in the second World War II.

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Goo Goo Gai Pan - S16-E12

Chinese Consulate: Your adoption application is in perfect order, except for one thing. You forgot to fill out the name of your husband.
Selma: Husband.
Chinese Consulate: Of course. The Chinese government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
Selma: Don't worry, I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver?
Chinese Consulate: Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.

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Marge Be Not Proud - S7-E11

Gavin's mom: Gavin, don't you already have this game?
Gavin: No Mom, you idiot! I have "Bloodstorm" and "Bone Squad" and "Bloodstorm II," stupid!
Gavin's mom: Oh I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a "Bonestorm."
Gavin: We'll get two, I'm not sharing with Caitlin.
[A short time later, Bart is arrested for shoplifting.]
Gavin's mom: Tsk tsk tsk tsk. That boy's parents must have made some terrible mistakes.
Gavin: Shut up, Mom.

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Mr. Plow - S4-E9

Homer: When two best friends work together, not even God himself can stop them.
God: Oh, no? [God proceeds to melt all the snow in Springfield, effectively destroying Homer and Barney's snow plow businesses].

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Tennis the Menace - S12-E12

Kent Brockman: That's game, set and match to us. But the real winners here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.
Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
Kent Brockman: Ha ha, well...
[Two men are suddenly shown in a news van giving Kent typed responses through an earpiece.]
Tech Guy #1: [to his coworker, who is typing out a response] Come on, come on. Hurry up. [The coworker hands him the response] "I guess you could say it's my racket."
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: [Gasps] Get off my property.

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The Frying Game - S13-E21

Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali in his prime was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis vs. Diet Pepsi?
Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again.

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Das Bus - S9-E14

Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T-1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
[The two look at each other awkwardly for a few seconds.]
Homer: Can I have some money now?

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The Canine Mutiny - S8-E20

Groundskeeper Willie: Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I 'ate him. I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts. And I 'ate the way he's always barking, so I gave him to the church.
Bart: Oh, I see. You hate him, so you gave him to the church.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aye, I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.

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Lisa's Sax - S9-E3

Homer: Name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Marge: Balzac.
Homer: No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

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Lard of the Dance - S10-E1

[Two bandits have stolen the grease Homer is collecting to sell]
Homer: Hey, hey, you're taking our grease!
Grease Bandit #1: It's our grease now. [Takes away Homer's shovel and hits him over the head with it.]
Homer: Daaah!
Grease Bandit #2: We run the grease racket in this town.
Homer: Hey, that's my shovel.
Grease Bandit #1: We also run the shovel racket.

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Lisa's Date with Density - S8-E7

Mr. Largo: Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner?"

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The Springfield Files - S8-E10

Leonard Nimoy: The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.

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Marge vs. the Monorail - S4-E12

Leonard Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least warp five.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, may the Force be with you.
Leonard Nimoy: Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

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The Wettest Stories Ever Told - S17-E18

Flanders: We Puritans have no place for drunkenness, or colorful clothes, or dreaming or poetry. So if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. Oh no! That was a poem. [Flogs himself].

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Springfield Connection - S6-E23

[Hans Moleman is about to be executed and Homer has eaten his last meal.]
Reverend Lovejoy: Alright Hans, time to go.
Hans Moleman: But he ate my last meal.
Reverend Lovejoy: If that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.
Hans Moleman: Are you really allowed to execute people in a local jail?
Reverend Lovejoy: From this point on, no talking.

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Jimbo: Dude, you kissed a girl! That is so gay.

Homer Goes to College - S5-E3

Dean: Hello, that sounds like a pig fainting.

Eight Misbehavin' - S11-E7

[Apu and Manjula are dealing with the stress of eight kids.]
Manjula: Apu, it's 4 A.M.! You'll be late for work!
Apu: [Groans.] I just had a wonderful dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh no you don't. Not till they're out of college.
Apu: Hey, woman, I'll die when I want to.

Tree House of Horror V - S6-E6

Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer something something...
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: DON'T MIND IF I DO!

Homer the Moe - S13-E3

Homer: Hello?
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie.
Homer: Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger."
Homer: What's the gag?
Bart: Oh, forget it.

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Brother From Another Series - S8-E16

Sideshow Bob: You do know I had a...problem with trying to...kill people?
Cecil: [sarcastic] Goodness, I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Sideshow Bob: Touché, Cecil.

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Homer vs. the 18th Amendment - S8-E18

Rex Banner: You're out there, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.
Homer Simpson: [faintly from the horizon.] No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will.
Homer Simpson: Won't!

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Marge: Homer, wake up!
Homer: Why? Did the house run away? Dog on fire?

Squeaky Voiced Teen: We're out of Secret Sauce. Go and put this mayonnaise out in the sun.

Homer: I won't lie to you Marge... Well, good night.

Weekend at Burnsie's - S13-E16

Otto: They call them fingers, but I never see them fing. Oh, there they go.

Weekend at Burnsie's - S13-E16

Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Whoa whoa, one question at a time.

Insane Clown Poppy - S12-E3

Homer: I won't lie to you. Fatherhood is not easy - like motherhood.

Bart's Inner Child - S5-E7

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'.

Homer: You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

A Star is Born-Again - S14-E13

Ned Flanders: It's so nice to shop for a woman again. The last thing I bought for a woman was a casket.

TV Announcer: Coming up next, Carmen Electra stars in "Boobs", about psychology students and their teacher who wants to be take seriously.
Homer: Aw. I thought it was about her boobs.

Grampa: I already got enough doctors poking at me here and pinching me over here and grabbing me down here and jiggling me under here. And that's just the receptionist!

Homer the Vigilante - S5-E11

Homer Simpson: Aw, dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

Homer Simpson: No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Homer Simpson: Trying is the first step towards failure.

Homer Simpson: Marge, it takes two to lie, one to lie and one to listen.

Lisa the Vegetarian - S7-E5

Homer: Look, look I got my invitations back from the printers.
Lisa: "Come to Homer's B.B.B.Q. The extra B is for B.Y.O.B.B." What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

Homer: Who's going to watch the kids?
Marge: You are!
Homer: Me? But I'm the father!

Homer: I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

Lisa the Vegetarian - S7-E5

Ralph: Ms. Hoover, my worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another one?
Ms. Hoover: No Ralph, there aren't any more. Just put your head down on your desk and sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

Homer's Odyssey - S1-E3

Homer: Beer! Now there's a temporary solution!

Tree House of Horror III: The Simpson's Halloween Special III - S4-E5

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?

The PTA Disbands - S6-E21

Flanders: I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Skinner: I don't agree with that.

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church, Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Makes sound effects and laughs.] Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze.

Day of the Jackanapes - S12-E13

Sideshow Bob: Urgh. Rakes, my arch-enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch-enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

Bart the Genius - S1-E2

Mrs. Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [She looks at Bart.] If any.

There's No Disgrace Like Home - S1-E4

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.

The Front - S4-E19

Teacher: Alright, here are your exams. 50 questions. True or false.
Homer: True.
Teacher: Homer, I was just describing the test.
Homer: True.
Teacher: Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.
Homer: False.

$pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) - S5-E10

Bum: Got any spare change, man?
Grampa: Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants something for nothing. [He walks into the Social Security Office.] I'm old! Gimme gimme gimme!

The Last Temptation of Homer - S5-E9

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo -
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man in the bar starts crying and runs out.]
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo-Jo!

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons - S9-E7

Apu: Okay, quickly, what is your favourite food, book and movie?
Manjula: The answer to all three is 'Fried Green Tomatoes'.

And Maggie Makes Three - S6-E13

[Maggie is being born.]
Homer: Aw, it's a boy! And WHAT a boy!
Dr Hibbert: That's its umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Tree House of Horror VI - S7-E6

Homer: Please, don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Dog of Death - S3-E19

Homer: He may have all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy!
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [Pauses.] A dinosaur.

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.
Homer: Ehhh. Who pays for that wedding?

Marge: Homer, no! You'll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying.

Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5

[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]
Patty: [after seeing Homer.] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Girly Edition - S9-E21

Homer: Marge, can I get a duck?
Marge: You already have a monkey!
Homer: Can he get a duck?

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Blood Feud - S2-E22

[Homer goes to the post office to get a letter he accidentally sent to Mr Burns.]
Homer: [In an obviously fake voice.] Hello, my name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Clerk: OK, Mr Burns, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.

The Canine Mutiny - S8-E20

Comic Book Store Owner: Now make like my pants and split!

'Tis the Fifteenth Season - S15-E7

Krusty: So, in the spirit of the Christmas season, start shopping! And for every dollar spent on Krusty merchandise, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Brother From Another Series - S8-E16

Bart: Inside the body of every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice versa.

22 Short Films About Springfield - S7-E21

Principal Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be — Good lord, what is happening in there?
Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.
Agnes Skinner: Seymour! The house is on fire!
Principal Skinner: No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

Homer: If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Homer Goes to College - S5-E3

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Marge in Chains - S4-E21

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he's sorta had it in for me since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.

Last Exit to Springfield - S4-E17

Mr. Burns: Who's that man?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: Actually sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Ehh...doesn't ring a bell.

Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare live out the American dream?

Homer: Please press any key. Where's the any key?

Lisa's Substitute - S2-E19

Lisa: Dad, you're not listening!
Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care it doesn't mean I'm not listening!

The Great Louse Detective - S14-E6

Bart/Lisa: Aaaaah! Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: Please. We've known each other for so long. Call me Bob.
Bart/Lisa: Aaaaah! Bob!

Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? - S3-E24

Mr. Burns: Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me you're all vipers. You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery. But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?
Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Mr. Burns: Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart. It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH.

Homer: What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Homer: To alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Homer vs. Patty and Selma - S6-E17

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding.

Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

[Homer is driving and crashes into a statue of a deer.]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Das Bus - S9-E14

Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!

Tree House of Horror III: The Simpson's Halloween Special III - S4-E5

[Every character is throwing something into a bottomless pit.]
Homer: [Throws in evil Krusty doll] Goodbye dolly.
Italian Mobster: [Throws in dead body] Arrivederci, Vito.
Man: I was a fool to think anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg. [Throws them into the pit, the pit throws them back out] What the?

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Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

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