M*A*S*H

Fade Out, Fade In (60 mins.) - S6-E1

Winchester: But, know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice-daily swill, but can not break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness, and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Potter: I think he's getting the hang of this place.

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Sometimes You Hear the Bullet - S1-E17

Henry Blake: All I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war, and rule number one is that young men die. And rule number two is that doctors can't change rule number one.

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Frank Burns: The men hate me, don't they?
Radar: Just your guts, sir.

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Frank Burns: You disgust me!
Hawkeye: You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.

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Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
Hawkeye: You're only off by two letters.

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What's Up, Doc? - S6-E19

Dr. Winchester: My family has had problems with immigrants ever since we came to America.

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Chief Surgeon Who? - S1-E4

Gen. Barker: What are you doing?
Radar: Doing, sir?
Barker: D-O-I-N-G. Doing. What are you doing?
Radar: Uh, listening to you spell doing sir.
Barker: Doesn't Col. Blake mind you drinking his whiskey and smoking his cigars?
Radar: Oh, very much so, sir.
Barker: Then why are you doing it?
Radar: Well, I don't mind, and I figured as long as one of us was being reasonable.

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Frank Burns: Courage is something you shouldn't be afraid to have.

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Frank Burns: I wonder if I can say something useful?
Trapper: I often wonder that too, Frank.

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Frank Burns: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Trapper: Aw, Frank... You're not going to write your mother again.

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PA System: Attention all personnel. Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800.

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Radar: Sir, I was just crossing the compound when...
Frank Burns: I have no interest in the compound.
Klinger: He has no compound-interest.

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Radar: Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.
Henry Blake: I was born with someone waiting to see me.

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Henry Blake: Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?
Radar: One of us has to.

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Maj. Burns: You're losing half your apple sauce. Apples don't grow on trees, you know.

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Private Charles Lamb - S3-E14

Frank: What kind of a jackass do you think I am?
Radar: Oh, you'd know that better than me, sir.

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Divided We Stand - S2-E1

Radar: Captain, it's me, Radar.
Hawkeye: Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt!

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The Consultant - S3-E17

Trapper: Where'd you learn to drive?
Radar: The Bumper Cars
Trapper: Figures.

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PA System: Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.

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Margaret: Act like a man, you sniveling twerp!

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Colonel Flagg: I could kill you with one finger.

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House Arrest - S3-E18

Henry Blake: Klinger! It's four o'clock in the afternoon and you're still in a housecoat? Put on a dress! You never know who might be coming around.

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Super Grover

Sticky Wicket - S1-E21

Hawkeye [to Frank]: You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting, and dumb!
Radar: Wow!
Hawkeye: And those are your good points.

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White Gold - S3-E23

Frank: Well, he, uh, ordered me to leave. He's a superior officer.
Henry: He's a superior psycho. His head's so twisted, he's gotta screw his cap on.

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Mad Dogs and Servicemen - S3-E13

Frank: Corporal Travis, Richard. To Tokyo. Typical psycho case, shell shock.
Trapper: Frank, that's straight outta World War One! Nobody thinks shell shock anymore.
Frank: Oh, what's the diff? Too much action gets them in the old brain box; makes even the best soldier gaga.
Trapper: Frank, I defy you to show me a medical book that lists the word 'gaga'.

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The Colonel's Horse - S5-E11

Radar: She knows you're leaving, sir. Look at her eyes.
Potter: Like Fay Wray.
Radar: I don't know her.
Potter: King King, this big monkey, carried her to the top of the Empire State Building.
Radar: Wow! I had heard there were some weirdos in New York.

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House Arrest - S3-E18

Frank: [after Hawkeye hits him] Captain Pierce, I accuse you of striking a superior officer. A court-martial offense under the Articles of War. And I have two witnesses!
Trapper: [to Hawkeye] I didn't see anything, did you?
Hawkeye: My back was turned. [Drops towel in Frank's face.] BA-DUM-BUMP!
Trapper: Case dismissed.

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Bulletin Board - S3-E16

Frank: [on Margaret's request] I just can't do it, Margaret. It just rubs against the grain. "Neither a lender nor a borrower be." Polonius.
Margaret: "To give, and not count the cost." St. Ignatius Loyola
Frank: "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet, and steady, and loyal and enduring a nature, that it will last throughout a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money." Mark Twain.
Margaret: "Blow it out your ear!" Margaret Houlihan.

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The Incubator - S2-E12

General Mitchell: Now wait a minute! This is a press conference! The last thing I want to do is answer a lot of questions.

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5 O'Clock Charlie - S2-E2

Trapper: Count off!
Radar: [to Hawkeye ]Are you one?
Hawkeye: Yes, are you one too?

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Chief Surgeon Who? - S1-E4

Frank: Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?
Hawkeye: Swill gin?! Sir, I have sipped, lapped, and taken gin intravenously, but I have never swilled.

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Divided We Stand - S2-E1

Pierce: Listen, Frank. We're all gonna make nice for Captain Hildebrandt today, but don't push us.
Burns: Well, a shave wouldn't be a bad start. You both look more like bums than doctors.
Trapper: Actually, I was, uh, I was thinking of becoming a bum doctor. But the proctology class was full!
Burns: HA! HA! HA!

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Your Hit Parade - S6-E18

BJ: Radar, old buddy, looking at you is like looking at money in the bank
Radar: All the other tents, they just say 'hello'
BJ: Would you like to join us?
Radar: What are you playing?
Hawkeye: Double Kranko
Radar: Yeah.
Hawkeye: Uh, bishops are worth three jacks...
Radar: Right...
Hawkeye: Checkers are wild...
Radar: Uh-huh
Hawkeye: And...you have to be twenty-one or older to open
BJ: Care to sit in for a hand?
Hawkeye: You'll get out by dawn.
Radar: Ah, no, thank you, sirs. Whenever I lose, I like to know why.

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The Trial of Henry Blake - S2-E8

Hawkeye: Did you see that?
Nurse: What?
Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Trapper: Hey Hawk, did you see that?
Hawkeye: What did you see?
Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
Hawkeye: [To the nurse.] See?

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Colonel Flagg: You think you're real smart. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Very dumb. But you've met your match in me.

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Hawkeye: If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.

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Frank Burns: I love it here.
Col. Potter: Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.

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Henry Blake: You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.

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Dr. Sidney Freedman: I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.

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Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.

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Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?
Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.
Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.

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Margaret: Oh, Frank. You're so above average.

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Frank Burns: Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
Margaret: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
Frank Burns: I know, darling, and I love being both of us.

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Mistakes

Hawkeye calls a number of people into the mess tent over the PA - the ones he allegedly suspects of being behind the thefts he is suspected of himself. Interestingly enough, Ho Jon, later revealed to be the guilty party, is not on Hawkeye's list - yet he shows up uninvited, just to be ensnared by Hawk's clever ploy. Note also that he had no way of knowing what the purpose of the meeting was, so we cannot ascribe to him the motive of wanting to find out how much Hawkeye knew.

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Trivia

Season 4. Episode 1 "Welcome To Korea". At the end of the episode the new commanding officer, Colonel Sherman Potter, played by Harry Morgan is introduced. In Season 3 Episode 1 "The General Flipped at Dawn", Harry Morgan played Major General Bartford Hamilton Steele.

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