Elaine: You're a salesman now. The high-five is, it's very grease-monkey.
Puddy: What did I tell you about that?
Elaine: I'm sorry, but the high-five is just so stupid.
Puddy: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid: you, stupid.
Elaine: Oh that is really mature.
Puddy: Yeah? So are you. You're the grease-monkey.
Elaine: That doesn't make any sense.
George: I'd like to report a problem with one of your mechanics.
Dealership Manager: When did you bring your car in?
George: Yeah right, I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership. Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet?
Dealership Manager: Sir, what exactly is the problem?
George: One of your guys, Kip or Ned, short name, stole my Twix candy bar.
Dealership Manager: Are you saying he grabbed your candy bar away from you?
George: He might as well have. I caught him, and his face was covered in chocolate and cookie crumbs.
Dealership Manager: I thought you said it was a Twix.
George: Oh it was, but he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.
Dealership Manager: Maybe it was.
George: Oh no, Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.
Dealership Manager: What about the Hundred Thousand Dollar bar?
George: Nope, rice and caramel.
Dealership Manager: Nougat?
George: No.
Dealership Manager: Positive?
George: Please.
Employee: You know they changed the name from Hundred Thousand Dollar bar to 100 Grand?
George: All I want is my 75 cents back, an apology, and for him to be fired.
Dealership Manager's Father: I remember when you used to be able to get a Hershey for a nickel.
Male Customer: What's the one with the swirling chocolate in the commercial?
George: They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial.
Dealership Manager's Father: Not Skittles.
Dealership Manager: Dad, I told you you could sit here only if you don't talk.
Female Customer: You make your father sit here all day?
Dealership Manager: He likes it.
George: Alright, do you mind? I have the window. Now what are you gonna do about my Twix?
Male Customer: Twix has too much coconut.
George: No, there's no coconut!
Employee: I'm allergic to coconut.
Dealership Manager: I'm not.
Dealership Manager's Father: A nickel.
George: Excuse me. I believe you just ate my Twix bar. It was dangling, and when you purchased your Twix bar, you got a little freebie. And you never bothered to ask why, or seek out its rightful owner.
Mechanic: First of all, it wasn't a Twix. It was a 5th Avenue bar.
George: You must think I'm pretty stupid. That was no 5th Avenue bar. I can see the crumb right there in the corner of your lip. Now that is a cookie, and we all know that Twix is the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.
Mechanic: It's a little nougat.
George: Nougat? Please. I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie. So let's not just say things that we both know are obvious fabrications.
The Suicide - S3-E15
Jerry Seinfeld: The thing I don't understand about the suicide person, is the people that try and commit suicide for some reason, they don't die, and then that's it. They stop trying. Why? Why don't they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact, it's worse, 'cause now they've found out, here's one more thing you stink at. That's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I say if pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. You know what I mean? There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.
The Subway - S3-E13
Kramer: All right, Coney Island? OK, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway and Lafayette. Or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue then switch to the IRT, 2, 3, 4, or 5. But don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you gotta get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well yeah.
Rental Car Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't understand. I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?
Agent: Yes we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car.
Gwen: I wondered what happened to my fiancé. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen, have you seen my fiancé?
Ellen: He's upstairs.
Gwen: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him. I have lost my fiancé, the poor baby.
Elaine: [In an Australian accent] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Gwen: What?
Elaine: [Australian accent] The dingo ate your baby.
Stu Chermack: What do you think the real problem is?
Rita Kirson: It's Seinfeld. He can't act. It's pathetic. I told you, these stand-ups can't act. I'm cringing watching him.
George Costanza: What if the pilot gets picked up and becomes a series?
Dana Foley: That would be wonderful, George. You'll be rich and successful.
George: That's exactly what I'm worried about. God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy.
Dana: I thought you didn't believe in God.
George: I do for the bad things.
Dana: Do you hear what you're saying? God isn't out to get you, George. What What is that on your lip?
George: What?
Dana: It's like a discoloration. It's white.
George: [Looking at his reflection] Yes. Yes, it's white. Why is that white?
Dana: You better get that checked out.
George: "Better get that checked out"?
Dana: I would.
George: What kind of a therapist are you? I'm telling you I'm scared that something terrible is going to happen to me, right away you start looking for tumors?
The Virgin - S4-E10
Elaine: Look at George. He lucked out, huh?
Jerry: Oh, you're not kidding. Who'd have figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
Elaine: Yeah. Since she met him, she's been vomited on, her family's cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.
The Switch - S6-E11
Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I have to dress different. I have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and...I'd need a new bedspread, new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. Of course, I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. No. I'm not ready for it.
The Switch - S6-E11
George Costanza: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?
The Gymnast - S6-E6
Mr. Pitt: I have been accused of wrongdoing, but these false accusations will not deter us. We will annex Poland by the spring at any cost! And, our stocks will rise high!
The Sponge - S7-E9
Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Elaine: Yeah, do you have any Today Sponges? I know they're off the market, but I was...
Pharmacist: Actually we have a case left.
Elaine: A case? A case of Sponges? I, I mean a case. Hah. Uh... H-how...? How many come in a case?
Pharmacist: 60.
Elaine: 60? Um... Well, I'll take 3.
Pharmacist: 3.
Elaine: Well, make it 10.
Pharmacist: 10?
Elaine: 20 Sponges should be plenty.
Pharmacist: Did you say 20?
Elaine: Yeah. 25 Sponges is just fine.
Pharmacist: 25?
Elaine: Yeah.
Pharmacist: You're set with 25?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. Just give me the whole case, I'll be on my way.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, my God. Look at this. It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
George Costanza: "The Rogue's Wallet. It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding... His name was Costanza. He killed my mother."
Father Curtis: Tell me your sins, my son.
Jerry: Uh, well I should mention that I'm Jewish.
Father Curtis: Oh, that's no sin.
Jerry: Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I, I have a suspicion he that he converted to Judaism for the jokes.
Father Curtis: And this offends you as a Jewish person?
Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you to know, that he's also telling Catholic jokes. And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.
Father Curtis: I haven't heard that one.
Jerry; Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and yada, yada, yada and she, and she says "those aren't buoys."
Father Curtis: [Laughing].
Jerry: [Father Curtis still laughing] Father.
Father Curtis: One second. [Continues laughing].
Answer: The name is Delores. He shouts that name at the end of the episode. Then in a later episode, "The Foundation", he runs into her. And he repeatedly calls her Delores.