Friends

Friends (1994)

43 quotes

The One With The 'Cuffs - S4-E3

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: Because when I go outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

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Kathy: So, what did you do today?
Chandler: Well, I had an appointment to get my hair cut...
Kathy: Oh, it looks great!
Chandler: ...and then it got cancelled.

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The One With All The Resolutions - S5-E11

Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Okay, fine. [Pause.] You don't know!
Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!
Joey: [gasps.] YOU KNOW!

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The One Where the Monkey Gets Away - S1-E19

Chandler: She obviously got my message. And is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

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Rachel: You idiot!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?

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The One With Joey's Big Break - S5-E22

Joey: [to Ross.] Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Ross: [Looks disgusted.] Dude!
Joey: Oh, sorry, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

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The One With Ross's Teeth - S6-E8

Monica: What happened to your teeth?
Ross: I whitened them.
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Yeah, what... What do you think?
Monica: Well, uh, I think I shouldn't look directly at them.
Ross: Come on, seriously.
Monica: Ross, they're really, really, really white!
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old... Human teeth?
Ross: Well, I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.
Monica: How much longer?
Ross: Uh, uh... A day.
Monica: Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary?
Ross: I know! That's why I did it! Come on, are they really that bad?
Chandler: No. No, no, no, you'll be fine. Hilary's blind, right?
Monica: She will be after tonight.

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Joey: How you doin'?

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Chandler: If I were a guy, and...did I just say IF I were a guy?

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The One Where Joey Moves Out - S2-E16

Joey: What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie!

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Chandler: Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian.
[Everyone stares at him.]
Chandler: Did I just say that out loud?

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The One with George Stephanopoulos - S1-E4

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, OM-nipotent.
Joey: You are? Oh Ross, I'm sorry.

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The One With The Girl From Poughkeepsie - S4-E10

Rachel: No accountants. Oh, and no one from, like, "legal." I don't like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh, and Ross was like what, a lion tamer?

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The One With Chandler In A Box - S4-E8

Monica: Fine, judge all you want to, but [to Ross.] married a lesbian, [to Rachel.] left a man at the altar, [to Phoebe.] fell in love with a gay ice dancer, [to Joey.] threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, [to Chandler.] LIVE IN A BOX!

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[Joey spells "Pleh" on the ground with sticks.]
Monica: What's "Pleh"?
Joey: That's "Help" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air.
Monica: Huh. What's "Doofus" spelled backwards?

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Joey: You don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
Chandler: I don't know what that's like? Up until I was 25, I thought the only response to "I love you" was "Oh, crap."

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Monica: That key was for emergencies.
Phoebe: We were out of Doritos.

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The One In Barbados, part 1 - S9-E23

Mike: I love you.
Phoebe: I love you more.
Mike: Not possible.

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The One With The Screamer - S3-E22

Monica: Who's number two?
Chandler: 'Whose number two' - one of the more difficult games sewer workers play.

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The One With the Baby on the Bus - S2-E6

Joey: Ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

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The One Where Old Yeller Dies - S2-E20

Monica: All right, I've got a leg,3 breasts and a wing.
Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?

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The One With The Jam - S3-E3

Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!

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The One With The Prom Video - S2-E14

[After Chandler's just mocked Monica for being fat in an old home movie.]
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds!
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?

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The One Where Ross Dates a Student - S6-E18

Ross: I would date her, but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it - when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No, that's not what I was going to say at all. What I was going to say is, when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

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The One With Frank, Jr. - S3-E5

[After Joey's just drilled through a wall very close to Chandler's head, Chandler runs into the living room.]
Joey: Oh, did I get you?
Chandler: No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

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The One With The Nap Partners - S7-E6

Rachel: Hi! I just want to apologize. I'm really sorry I was a baby.
Phoebe: That's ridiculous Rachel, we were all babies once.

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Monica: I need you at the rehearsal dinner at 1800 hours.
Phoebe: Okay, what time is that?
Monica: You don't know military time?
Phoebe: I must have been in missile training the day they taught that.

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Brad

Joey: Who says wine has to cost more than milk?

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Brad

The One Where Ross Can't Flirt - S5-E19

Ross: By the way, if it makes you feel any better, I happen to like 8 year-old boys.

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Jon Sandys

The One At The Beach - S3-E25

Rachel: Guys, I'm here to tell you that hats are back.
Phoebe: And this time, they've all ganged up to form one giant super-hat!

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The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Rachel: So basically you get your ya-yas from taking money from all of your friends?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less, so.

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Rachel Green: Oh my God, I'm Kip.
Joey Tribianni: You're not Kip.
Rachel Green: Do you even know who Kip is?
Joey Tribianni: Who cares? You're Rachel. Who's Kip?
Chandler Bing: Kip was my old roommate.
Joey Tribianni: Oh, THAT poor bastard.

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The Last One (1) - S10-E19

Phoebe: And then we can teach them to sing and we'll be like the Von Trapp family. Although without the Nazis - no, that sounds kinda dull.

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The One with the Monkey - S1-E10

Ross: His name's Marcel. My friend Bethel rescued him from a lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent want to name their child Bethel?

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The One With the Holiday Armadillo - S7-E10

Ben: Are you for Hanukkah, too? Because I'm part Jewish!
Ross: [Dressed as the "Holiday Armadillo."] You are? Me too!
Monica: Because... Armadillos also wandered in the desert?
Ross: You wanna wander in the hall?

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The One Where Rosita Dies - S7-E13

Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Well, I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: Why would you wanna do that?
Rachel: So that there would be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent pla...
Rachel: And your lap does not count.

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The One With The Tea Leaves - S8-E17

Mona: Ross! What are you doing?
Ross: Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

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The One With The Video Tape - S8-E4

Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. How about uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind!

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The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh. Yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

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The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Rachel: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
Phoebe: Ha, haha.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.

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The One After the Superbowl, part 2 - S2-E13

Chandler: Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
Phoebe: Stick a fork what?
Chandler: You know, like when you're cooking a steak.
Phoebe: Oh, I don't eat meat.
Chandler: Well how do you tell when vegetables are done?
Phoebe: Well you just, you know, you eat them and you can tell.
Chandler: Okay, then eat me, I'm done.

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The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Rachel: You guys, guess what guess what guess what?
Chandler: What, the fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending trident?

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The One Where Heckles Dies - S2-E3

Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone!
Rachel: Okay, you win.

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Mistakes

When Rachel finds out that Ross and Julie are getting a cat, watch Rachel's neck. When she says "together?" she's not wearing a necklace; cut to Ross and Julie for a fraction of a second, then when it cuts back to Rachel saying "both of you?" she's suddenly wearing a necklace. It then disappears again when she says "isn't that just lovely?" hanging off the side of the tray she's holding.

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Trivia

Matthew Perry's wit is so legendary that the scriptwriters have often incorporated his gags into the show.

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