Quotes from Rob Schneider movies and TV shows

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Henry: Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.
Ula: How do you think I get the dolphins to do double-flips and play with the white kids?

Ula: Really? Even though in 10-15 years she could possibly let herself go and then sex would be like, nauseating, for you?
Henry: What, are you nuts? Your wife's right over there.
Ula: I'm just kidding, Muumuu.

Ula: Oh, you crazy bitch.
Lucy: Yeah, keep running.

Lucy: Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that! And that! And that.
Henry: You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough.
Lucy: Are you okay?
Henry: Yes.
Lucy: Okay, I'll be right back. Hey! Come here.
Henry: No, no, no. I think he's had enough. I'm sorry.
Ula: My eye.
Henry: You got him.
Lucy: Not good enough.
Ula: Oh, Kamehameha.
Henry: He learned his lesson.

Henry: Okay, this is her. Start beating me up. Make it look good.
Ula: Give me your wallet. Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island, eat our pineapple.
Henry: Help me! Not so hard. Take it easy.
Ula: Try to bang our women. Making my sister clean your hotel room.
Henry: Okay. What does that have to do with this? Relax. Hey! Hey! Help me, please.
Ula: Stupid haole.

Henry: See what happens when you play with sharks.
Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts.

Deuce Bigalow: Look, I think there's been a mistake.
Fluisa: Did you say steak?
Deuce Bigalow: No mistake.
Fluisa: Oh see now you got me all excited.

Deuce Bigalow: Wow! What are those?
Antoine Laconte: Medieval weapons. I'm a collector. They're worth twice as much if they've killed somebody.
Deuce Bigalow: I collect Canadian quarters. I've got about six of 'em.

T.J. Hicks: See this ring? Topaz, my mother's birthstone. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Where?
T.J. Hicks: Man-whoring! See this keychain? Mini yo-yo. Know where I got the money for it?
Deuce Bigalow: Man-whoring?
T.J. Hicks: Stock market! But I got the money for the stock market from man-whoring.

Antoine Laconte: I'm a gigolo.
Deuce Bigalow: Giga-who?
Antoine Laconte: Women pay me to... give them pleasure.
Deuce Bigalow: How did you get that job?
Antoine Laconte: I just sort of fell into it.
Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna kill my guidance counselor.

Ruth: BALL-HAIR.
Deuce Bigalow: Yeah, ball-hair, what we need is a strike here.

Deuce Bigalow: Where am I supposed to get six thousand dollars in three weeks?

Deuce Bigalow: I guess I'll just take some sea snails.

T.J. Hicks: This next date is what we man-pimps call a doozy.
Deuce Bigalow: What's wrong with this one?
T.J. Hicks: Nothin'.
Deuce Bigalow: Have you seen her? What is she 80? A hunchback?
T.J. Hicks: She just got outta college. Some of her girlfriends pitched in to get her a little beefcake. She thinks it's a blind date.
Deuce Bigalow: It's a guy isn't it?
T.J. Hicks: I don't think so, but I have been fooled before.

T.J. Hicks: Claire said Antoine's apartment was messed up, but I had no idea.
Deuce Bigalow: Claire?
T.J. Hicks: The hooker you ass-punched.

T.J. Hicks: What about Antoine's apartment?
Deuce Bigalow: I'm gonna get the rest of the money the old-fashioned way.
T.J. Hicks: You gonna steal it?

Kate: I don't see how it could possibly be pleasurable for a woman. I just don't think it's natural. You're not supposed to go up there. To tell you the truth, I don't know how men do it either.
Deuce Bigalow: You're not curious, just to try something new?
Kate: I'm just not into it.
Deuce Bigalow: So space exploration is definitely out for you?
Kate: Definitely. I mean, more power to any woman who wants to be an astronaut. I just wouldn't do it. Frankly, I'd rather take it up the butt.

Fluisa: You ever parked your bicycle in an airplane hangar?
Deuce Bigalow: I'm sorry?
Fluisa: You ever thrown a toothpick into a volcano?

Detective Fowler: Do the letters T and J mean anything to you?
Deuce Bigalow: I don't know. Turkey Jizz?

T.J. Hicks: I'm in blackface. It's my disguise. See?
Deuce Bigalow: But you look the same.
T.J. Hicks: Are you saying black people all look the same? You are such a racist! I should have the good mind not to let you help me prove that I'm innocent.

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