Quotes from Jason Segel movies and TV shows

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Shawn: LeBron is a better rebounder and passer.
Russell Gettis: LeBron will never beat Jordan. Call me when LeBron has six championships.
Shawn: That's your only argument?
Russell Gettis: It's the only argument I need Shawn!

Elizabeth Halsey: Sign my yearbook.
Russell Gettis: Hold my ball sack.

Russell Gettis: That was a nice thing you did for him.
Elizabeth Halsey: He was going through a difficult time.
Russell Gettis: I am going through a difficult time. May I have your panties?
Elizabeth Halsey: I'm not wearing any.

Russell Gettis: Twilight, what did we talk about in class? Throw it through her, not at her.

Vector: When I'm done with Gru, he's gonna be begging for mercy!

David Foster Wallace: This piece would be so much better if it was just you. Just keep talking, you'll save me a lot of trouble.

David Lipsky: Nice view.
David Foster Wallace: Thank you. I can't take credit for it.

David Foster Wallace: ...to be seduced off the path of anything meaningful because of the way our culture is now.

David Foster Wallace: I'm not so sure you want to be me.
David Lipsky: I don't.

Violet Barnes: What is your crossbow doing on the kitchen table?
Tom Solomon: A crossbow doesn't clean itself, you know.

Violet Barnes: He kissed me, Tom!
Tom Solomon: OK, you know what? That is a cop out. That is not fair. Yes, he may have been the one who kissed you. But there is a reason that he felt like that was an option. You know that's the truth.

Tom Solomon: How could you do this to me?
Winton Childs: I haven't done anything to you, Violet did something to you; not me. If a woman wants to kiss me I'm going to fucking kiss her. Underneath all that polite bullshit we're all running on caveman software. If she's got a husband, or a fiancé, or a boyfriend it's on her conscience, not mine.
Tom Solomon: You should run.
Winton Childs: Look Tom, this is ridiculous. Let's just put a stop to this now, please. Come on, I'm sorry. I really am.
Tom Solomon: Winton, if you feel bad at all for what you did then you'll run from me.
Winton Childs: Well, okay, I'll keep running. I'm off.

Brian: You don't need to put your P in a V right now.
Peter Bretter: No, I need to B my L on someone's T's.

Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?
Peter Bretter: ...yeah, probably.

Marshall: You should definitely go. Look, it's a chance to show her you are still friends and that you support her.
Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter, or even better, triple threat, hotter and bigger boobs!
Ted: That's only two.
Barney: Count again.

Marshall: I'm not a gay pirate, I have sex with my parrot all the time! OK, that came out wrong.

Marshall: I think we're going to wait on the baby thing. I mean I love babies. Babies rule. Pudgy arms and stuff. But, uh, they make you old. Kinda like this anchor weighing you down to one spot... Forever.
Claire: I'm three months pregnant.
Marshall: Not awkward, guys. Not awkward if we don't let it be awkward.

The Pineapple Incident - S1-E10

Barney: Your problem Ted is, you think, think, think. I'm teach you to Do, Do, Do.
Marshall: Ha! Do-Do.
Barney: Totally.

A Demon Premium member

Jeff: You know what? I have a asshole for a brother and it breaks my heart.

Sharon: Jeff, what do you do in the basement? You're not cleaning it.
Jeff: You really want to know? You didn't like it last time we had this conversation.
Sharon: Okay no, you're right, I don't.

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