Ben Healy: Junior, you remember Ms. Klaukinski.
Junior: How could I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.
Vaughan Cunningham: Please don't tell anybody at the store that Albert was here. You know how this town is. Everybody spreads cruel rumors.
Melinda: You mean about you and Albert being that way...? I think everybody at the store already knows about it. Maureen Ledbetter told the most awful story about why you ain't allowed at the First Baptist Church no more.
Vaughan Cunningham: You always seem to be deep in thought. Tell me, what are you thinking right now?
Karl: I was thinkin', I'm gonna take me some of these taters home with me.
Vaughan Cunningham: How about before that?
Karl: Well, let me think... I was thinkin' I could use me another couple cans'o that potted meat if ya got any extree.
Doyle: Hey, Vaughan, I heard you been putting it on ol' Albert Sellers who works over at the funeral home.
Vaughan Cunningham: I know Albert. We're friends.
Doyle: No, I heard you're more than friends. I heard Dick Rivers come in there and caught the two of you all bowled up and going at it in the same room with poor Miss Ogletree, her dead as a doornail laid out on a gurney.
Vaughan Cunningham: That is ridiculous. That is just a total lie.
Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.
Jack Tripper: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.
Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.
Jack Tripper: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?
Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?
Jack Tripper: Okay, mum's the word.
Janet Wood Dawson: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?
Jack Tripper: Of course, pumpkin.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, thanks.
Jack Tripper: You're ashamed of me.
Terri: I just felt sorry for you.
Jack Tripper: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, lots of reasons.
Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.
Jack Tripper: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.
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