Alex Borstein

Quotes from Alex Borstein movies and TV shows

Lois: Hello?
Peter: I can't take the trash out today, I'm working late at the office.
Lois: The caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
Peter: [Edging sideways.] OK, can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Now I am at the office.

Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.
Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian: That's Street Fighter.
Peter: Red, blue, green...
Brian: Those are colors.

Blue Harvest - S6-E1

Lois Griffin: Aren't you a little fat for a storm trooper?
Chris Griffin: Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas - S3-E16

Peter: Lois, can't we just tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I would never lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, I'll kill your mother.

[Joe Swanson is hanging on the edge of a waterfall in a sewer and Lois is trying to pull him up.]
Lois Griffin: Joe, I can't hold you! You're too heavy!
Joe Swanson: Lois! Pretend I'm one of your children!
[Lois begins to let go of his hand.]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

Stewie Kills Lois (1) - S6-E5

Ship captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.

I Never Met the Dead Man - S1-E2

Lois: Come on, Stewie. You know you can't leave the table until you finished your vegetables.
Stewie: Well then I shall sit here till one of us expires! And you've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

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I Never Met the Dead Man - S1-E2

Lois: And your family gives you love. You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: Well what could you and me do together?
Lois: [Giggles]
Peter: *gasp* Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oooh, oh I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

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Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3

Jennifer: Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart.
Lois: Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice.

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Chitty Chitty Death Bang - S1-E3

Peter: I can not wait to taste this cake! The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic.
Lois: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Peter: Well, there were only two left. And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

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Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles.]
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Meg: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois: Of course not, sweetie.
Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg: Craig Hoffman.
Peter: Craig...Craig Hoffman? Hmmm, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

Wasted Talent - S2-E20

Lois: Peter, you're drunk again!
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

Fat Guy Strangler - S4-E17

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.
Peter: What?
Doctor: [revealing comic he was reading.] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Peter/Lois: Argh!
Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Peter: Argh!
Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!
Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my goodness!
Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Peter/Lois: Oh!
Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois: What?!
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Waiter: Your coffee, madam.
Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.
Stewie: Cut my eggs!
Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it. If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail, and I promise I won't make it easy for you.

Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Lois: I'm a little worried about Stewie.
Peter: Lois, can we stop talking about curtains for just a second?

North by North Quahog - S4-E1

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny...
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.

Death Has a Shadow - S1-E1

Lois: Stewie, who don't you go play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell!?
Lois: Well, no desert for you, young man.

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Brian: Portrait of a Dog - S1-E7

Peter: Sometimes we all need a second chance. Sometimes, we all need to forgive!
Chris: I stole ten dollars from Meg's room.
Meg: I stole ten dollars from mom's purse.
Lois: I've been making counterfeit ten dollar bills for years.

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