Stu: Yeah I got two thirds of it - he said something about the garden of meditation.
Alan: No, he said I'm farting because of my medication.
Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not you. Not nobody knows Stu like I do. No one. I can't even tell you what we've been through because we made a pact, more important than blood. What I can tell you is this. This is not Stu's first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple of years ago..."
Phil: Time's up.
Alan: We can't be friends anymore. When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.
Mr. Chow: Yeah, but that's the point! It's funny!
Phil Wenneck: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan Garner: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.
Black Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. 'Cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call them floories.
Alan Garner: Or rapies.