Quotes from Hugh Laurie movies and TV shows - page 3 of 4

Season 1 generally

House: [Describing a case.] We've got Carmen Electra. Golfing.
Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?
House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer.

Love Hurts - S1-E20

Clinic Lawyer: So what's that - two strokes you've scared this guy into?
House: Yeah - it's making me question my view of myself as a people person.

Love Hurts - S1-E20

Dr. Cuddy: You lied to them!
Mrs. Park: He told us our son was dead.
House: It's only a white lie. Technically, all I did was call them a little early. Trust me, he'll be dead real soon. Actually, I saved you some rush-hour traffic.

Kids - S1-E19

House: Take these, go home, talk to your daughter.
Female Patient: What?
House: Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older to get into bars.
Female Patient: I don't have a daughter.
House: Next!

Kids - S1-E19

Dr. Spain: Wow. I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
House: Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the library for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what you think. Sayonara.
Dr. Wilson: So should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
House: Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.

Babies & Bathwater - S1-E18

House: Sorry - up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase: How come you're not in your office?
House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.

Role Model - S1-E17

House: Someday there will be a black president. Someday there will be a gay president. Maybe there'll even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see is gay, black, and dead.

Role Model - S1-E17

Dr. Cuddy: In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.

Heavy - S1-E16

Dr. Foreman: Have you seen the latest research?
Dr. Chase: Yes, I have. What I haven't seen lately is a kid eating an apple or riding a bike. You Americans can't even compete with the rest of the world in basketball anymore, unless, of course, it's the type you play with a remote control on a big screen TV.
Dr. Foreman: Right.
House: Wait! Are you going to let him say that? He insulted our basketball teams!

Mob Rules - S1-E15

House: But I have a theory. There is one chemical that, if ingested, it causes a person's estrogen level to increase dramatically.
Bill: What is it?
House: It's called...estrogen.

Detox - S1-E11

House: I take risks - sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die. So I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

Histories - S1-E10

Chris: You're reading a comic book.
House: And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I'm sorry – I thought we were having a 'state the obvious' contest. I'm competitive by nature.

Poison - S1-E8

House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell"?
Dr. Chase: I'm Australian.
House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.

Damned If You Do - S1-E5

House: You know how it is with nuns - take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.

Dr. Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?
House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Ummm, a little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.
House: It's five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.
Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.
House: What do you mean? You just said...?
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof.
House: Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.

House: [knocking on Dr. Wilson's door.] I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

Safe - S2-E16

Dr. House: You wake up in the morning, the paint is peeling, the water is boiling and your curtains are gone, which problem do you deal with first?
Dr. Foreman: House!
Dr. House: None of them! The building is on fire.


House vs. God - S2-E19

Dr. House: If you talk to God, you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic.


Office Politics - S7-E6

Dr. House: You said 'or'. The road to dead patients is paved with 'or's.

More House, M.D. quotes

Join the mailing list

Separate from membership, this is to get updates about mistakes in recent releases. Addresses are not passed on to any third party, and are used solely for direct communication from this site. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Check out the mistake & trivia books, on Kindle and in paperback.