Quotes from Hugh Laurie movies and TV shows

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Arthur: There is a Child without a present.
Steve: Arthur! Christmas is not a time for emotion.

Steve: This is Germany, Father. They drive on the right. National dish: sausage.

Steve: Okay, lets show them people, 'Operation Santa Claus is coming to town!'.

Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

George: Oh, sir, just one thing - if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

Plan D: Private Plane - S4-E4

Lord Flashheart: Always treat your kite like you treat your woman!
George: How do you mean, sir? Do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
Lord Flashheart: No! Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?
Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that sir?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.

Plan C: Major Star - S4-E3

George: You know what would cheer you up? A Charlie Chaplain film! Oh I love old chappers, don't you cap?
Blackadder: Unfortunately no, I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

[George is preparing to paint Blackadder.]
Blackadder: Right, you ready?
George: Yes, if you just want to pop your clothes on the stool
Blackadder: I'm sorry?
George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there
Blackadder: You mean... You want me... Tackle out?
George: Well, I'd have thought so yes
Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one of the first things everyone notices is that all the protagonists keep their clothes ON. Neither we nor the Hun favout fighting our battles au naturel...
George: It's artistic licence sir... It's the willing suspension of disbelief
Blackadder: Well I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension!

Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire building.
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.

Amy and Amiability - S3-E5

[Blackadder is writing a letter to Amy, as dictated by the Prince.]
Prince George: Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck's in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!
Blackadder: Ah, yes your highness...if I may change one small aspect?
Prince George: What?
Blackadder: The words?

Plan B: Corporal Punishment - S4-E2

[Baldrick is called to the stand to defend Blackadder.]
Blackadder: Deny everything, Baldrick.
Lieutenant George: Are you Private Baldrick?
Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: But you are Captain Blackadder's batman?
Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: Come on, Baldrick. Be a little more helpful. It's me.
Baldrick: No, it isn't.

Duel and Duality - S3-E6

Baldrick: You could have someone else fight the duel for you.
George: But I'm the Prince Regent! My portrait hangs on every wall.
Blackadder: Answer that, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Well, my cousin, Bert Baldrick, Mr. Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, says that all portraits look the same nowadays, since they're painted to a romantic ideal, rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question.
Blackadder: Well, your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you, Baldrick.

Plan B: Corporal Punishment - S4-E2

Lieutenant George: As far as I can tell you're as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a large pile of poo.

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Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

Paternity - S1-E2

House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

Three Stories - S1-E21

House: I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.
Dr. Cuddy: Two. I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.

Kids - S1-E19

Dr. Wilson: My advice is much more subtle – stop being an ass. You always find some tiny little flaw to push people away.
House: Now it's people? I thought we were talking about fellowship applicants.
Dr. Wilson: You have a history of this.
House: Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope's there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.

Occam's Razor - S1-E3

House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

Pilot - S1-E1

House: [to Cameron.] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

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