Quotes from Ardal O'Hanlon movies and TV shows

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta.
Sister Assumpta: Hello Father.
Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?
Father Dougal: Er, no.
Father Ted: She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do. And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal.
[Dougal shakes his head.]
Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?
Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter. When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers?
[Dougal shakes his head some more.]
Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.
Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta.

Tentacles of Doom - S2-E3

Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?
Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?
Bishop Facks: Uh-huh.
Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Bishop Facks: Yes.
Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?
Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Father Dougal: Ahh, let's see, I'll have the Hindu curry, steak and chips, and a glass of coke, thanks.
Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.
Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken.

Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse - S3-E6

Father Dougal: [reading a paper] Ted, look at this. Clint Eastwood has been arrested for a crime he didn't commit. Oh now wait that's a film.

Entertaining Father Stone - S1-E2

Father Dougal: Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?
Father Ted: Oh, yes... What was it called...?
Father Dougal: "Out Of Africa", I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it...
Father Ted: I'll have to stop you there, Dougal.
Father Dougal: Yes, Ted?
Father Ted: No reason. I just have to stop you.

[Ted answers the phone.]
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted: Oh feck!
Bishop Brennan: What?
Father Ted: [in French accent.] Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere.
[Ted hangs up.]
Father Ted: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted: It might be all right though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number.
[Phone rings, Ted picks it up.]
Father Ted: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.

More Father Ted quotes

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