Bilbo: Oh, up to but not exceeding one fourteenth total profit if any. Seems fair. Present company shall not be liable for injuries including but not limited to laceration, evisceration... Incineration?
Bofur: Oh, aye. He'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.
Balin: You all right, laddie?
Bilbo: Yeah, I'll be. Feel a bit faint.
Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.
Bilbo: Yeah, I-I-I need air.
Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof, you're nothing more than a pile of ash.
Bilbo: [Long pause.] No. [Bilbo faints.].
John Watson: I just met a friend of yours.
Sherlock Holmes: A friend?
John Watson: An enemy.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh. Which one?
John Watson: Your arch-enemy, according to him. Do people have arch-enemies?
Sherlock Holmes: Did he offer you money to spy on me?
John Watson: Yes.
Sherlock Holmes: Did you take it?
John Watson: No...
Sherlock Holmes: Pity, we could have split the fee. Think it through next time.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock...
Sherlock Holmes: Hmmm?
Mrs. Hudson: Talk to John.
Sherlock Holmes: I tried talking to him. He's made his position quite clear.
John Watson: [in his office, putting on a latex glove with his middle finger raised.] Just relax, Mr. Summerson.
Mrs. Hudson: What did he say?
Sherlock Holmes: F...
John Watson: [in his office, examining Mr. Summerson.] Cough.
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, dear.
Oliver: Can we not talk about my sister in relation to, A, massive wide-ons, and B, Steven's erect penis?