Quotes from Julie Kavner movies and TV shows - page 2 of 3

Moe Baby Blues - S14-E22

Marge: Ooh, a rattle. Thank you, Selma.
Moe: Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five.
Selma: Get a neck, Frankenstein.
Moe: Hey, open my present. Open my present. It's Uncle Moe's play tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken.
Marge: I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby.
Moe: Sure they are. They even talk, look [flips switch on a Homer figurine].
Homer Figurine: I peed my pants.
Homer: I recorded that for private use!

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Bart Star - S9-E6

Bart: May I be excused, Mom?
Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner too.
Marge: Homer, please.
Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter, Marge. It must have been you. You've quit every job you've had. Cop, pretzel vendor, church counselor, professional gambler.
Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
Homer: Well if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job. [Picks up the phone and calls Mr. Burns.]
Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy.
Homer: Mr. Burns, this is Homer J. Simpson. The father of the big quitter. Well I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter too, and I quit [winks at phone].
Marge: Homer, Mr. Burns can't see you winking.
Homer: So? [Screams].

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Cape Feare - S5-E2

Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. [Gallery laughs] Oh, now I get it. Ah ha ha, that's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [A few people raise their hands] Be honest. [Everyone raises their hands, including Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hell-hole.
Parole Board Member #1: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hell-hole" when you could have said "pee-pee-soaked heck-hole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: Well what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member #3: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Parole Board Member #2: Parole granted.

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Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

[Homer is driving and crashes into a statue of a deer.]
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A female deer.

Marge in Chains - S4-E21

Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well he's sorta had it in for me since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.

Girly Edition - S9-E21

Homer: Marge, can I get a duck?
Marge: You already have a monkey!
Homer: Can he get a duck?

Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV - S5-E5

[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]
Patty: [after seeing Homer.] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Marge: Homer, no! You'll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying.

Dog of Death - S3-E19

Homer: He may have all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy!
Marge: What's that?
Homer: [Pauses.] A dinosaur.

There's No Disgrace Like Home - S1-E4

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.

Homer: Who's going to watch the kids?
Marge: You are!
Homer: Me? But I'm the father!

Weekend at Burnsie's - S13-E16

Marge: Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Whoa whoa, one question at a time.

Marge: Homer, wake up!
Homer: Why? Did the house run away? Dog on fire?

Tree House of Horror V - S6-E6

Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer something something...
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: DON'T MIND IF I DO!

Lisa's Sax - S9-E3

Homer: Name one successful person who ever lived without air conditioning.
Marge: Balzac.
Homer: No need for potty mouth just because you can't think of one.

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Goo Goo Gai Pan - S16-E12

Chinese Consulate: Your adoption application is in perfect order, except for one thing. You forgot to fill out the name of your husband.
Selma: Husband.
Chinese Consulate: Of course. The Chinese government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours.
Selma: Don't worry, I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver?
Chinese Consulate: Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.

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Bart Gets an Elephant - S5-E17

Marge: [Referring to Bart's new pet elephant] Homer, it looks like it could gore.
Homer: Heh heh, he does look like Al Gore.

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Mommie Beerest - S16-E7

Marge: You'd be quite a catch if you'd shower and shave and stop swearing under your breath.
Moe: Aw, thanks Marge. [Under his breath.] Know-it-all bitch.

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Bart Star - S9-E6

[Marge is trying to purchase a sports cup for Bart.]
Marge: He's going to need, uh, protection.
Clerk: Sure, one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more like protection for, down there.
Clerk: Oh, why didn't you say so? Knee pads, you got it.
Marge: [Laughs nervously] I'm talking about his personal area.
Clerk: Aha, say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads.
Marge: Look, I want a cup.
Clerk: Cup? Could you spell that?
Marge: C-U-P. I wanna C-U... oh my god!

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A Star is Burns - S6-E18

Lisa: What you doin' Ma?
Marge: I'm looking for a film critic to help judge our festival. Did you know there are over 600 critics on TV, and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all?
Lisa: Ew!

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