Roy: What if he's lying in a gutter somewhere? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison: He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.
Oscar Madison: Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.
Oscar Madison: Felix, I'd like you to meet two elevator acquaintances of mine. Gwendolyn and Cecily.
Cecily Pigeon: No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.
Oscar Madison: Oh, Terribly sorry, Cecily and Gwendolyn. Eh, don't tell me. Eh, Robin? No, Cardinal?
Gwendolyn Pigeon: No, Wrong both times, It's Pigeon.
Oscar Madison: Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon, The Pigeon sisters.
Gwendolyn Pigeon: Or as our friends at Chelsea use to call us, the Cuckoo Pigeon sisters.
Oscar Madison: You did a great job, Felix. One little suggestion: let's come down a little bit with the lights, and up very softly with the music, huh? Hey, do you think Mozart goes good with meatloaf?
Willy Clark: Oh, you a funny man, Al, a pain in the ass but a funny man.
Al Lewis: You know what your trouble is, Willy? You always took the jokes too seriously. It was just jokes. We did comedy on the stage for 43 years. I don't think you enjoyed it once.
Willy Clark: If I was there to enjoy it, I would buy a ticket.
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