Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact.
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.
Lt. J.g. Douglas A. Roberts: You pretend you want me to improve your mind. You've never finished one book I've given you to read.
Ensign Frank Thurlowe Pulver: I've finished "God's Little Acre," Doug boy.
Lt. J.g. Douglas A. Roberts: I didn't give you that. He's been reading "God's Little Acre" for over a year now. He's underlined every erotic passage and added exclamation points. And after a certain pornographic climax, he's inserted the words "well written."
Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.
Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?
Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.
Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.
Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.
Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?
Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?
Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.
Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.
Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.
Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.
Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.
Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo.
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