Quotes from Jack Lemmon movies and TV shows - page 2 of 4

Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.
John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.
Max Goldman: You bet.
John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?
Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact.
John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.

Max Goldman: Did you win the Lottery Dickhead?
John Gustafson: Enjoy your shower Smart Ass?

John Gustafson: We did the horizontal mambo.

Max Goldman: Who's the guy yakkin' at your door?
John Gustafson: Just mind your own business, will ya?
Max Goldman: Mind your own business, will ya? Mind your own business. Why don't you tie your shoelace, you'll fall on your stupid head.

John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.
Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?

John Gustafson: ...very interesting woman.
Jacob: Sounds like a wacko to me.
John Gustafson: I haven't had sex for fifteen years.

Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.
John Gustafson: Hello, moron.

More Grumpy Old Men quotes

Nestor Patou: Why don't we just tell him the truth?
Moustache: The truth? That's dynamite.
Nestor Patou: But I'm innocent.
Moustache: The jails are full with innocent people because they told the truth.

Nestor Patou: Now I'm mad. Now I'm really mad. And when I'm mad, I'm like a tiger.

Irma La Douce: You oughta be ashamed of yourself, scaring a poor little dog like that.
Nestor Patou: They oughta take that dog away from you, you're not a fit mother.

Irma La Douce: A painter once lived here. Poor guy, he was starving. Tried everything, even cut his ear off.
Nestor Patou: Van Gogh?
Irma La Douce: No, I think his name was Schwartz.

More Irma la Douce quotes

Lt. J.g. Douglas A. Roberts: You pretend you want me to improve your mind. You've never finished one book I've given you to read.
Ensign Frank Thurlowe Pulver: I've finished "God's Little Acre," Doug boy.
Lt. J.g. Douglas A. Roberts: I didn't give you that. He's been reading "God's Little Acre" for over a year now. He's underlined every erotic passage and added exclamation points. And after a certain pornographic climax, he's inserted the words "well written."

More Mister Roberts quotes

Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?
Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh.

Felix Ungar: Look, we have to have a plan, agreed?
Oscar Madison: Agreed.
Felix Ungar: Okay. What do you think the plan should be?
Oscar Madison: I don't care. I agreed. I did my part.

Oscar Madison: Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?
Felix Ungar: Deliver, deliver where? You've already crisscrossed California more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago! What the hell are we gonna tell them, follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?

Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.

Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?
Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.

Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?
Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.
Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.
Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.
Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?

Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?
Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.
Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.
Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.
Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.
Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.
Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo.

Felix Ungar: They've probably got poisonous spiders out here.
Oscar Madison: Get out of here, what are they gonna live on? You think they're waiting around for two schmucks like us to show up?

More The Odd Couple 2 quotes

Join the mailing list

Separate from membership, this is to get updates about mistakes in recent releases. Addresses are not passed on to any third party, and are used solely for direct communication from this site. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Check out the mistake & trivia books, on Kindle and in paperback.