Joe Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.
Joe Young: We're from The Church of Jesus Christ.
Old Lady: Oh, the Mormons?
Joe Young: That's right. I'm elder Young and this is elder White.
Old Lady: Well, you two boys can just fuck right off.
Joe Young: Ma'am?
Old Lady: You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigfuckers.
Dave the Lighting Guy: Dude, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you got a hot ass.
Joe Young: Thanks.
Dave the Lighting Guy: Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans?
Joe Young: Oh yeah, the greek mythology.
Dave the Lighting Guy: Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass.
Joe Young: They want me to do a sequel.
Lisa: A sequel, to "Death of a Salesman"? Doesn't he die at the end of the first?
Joe Young: Yes, but he has a twin brother, and he wants revenge.
Lisa: Revenge? But, doesn't he kill himself?
Joe Young: No, no, that's what you were led to believe. He was killed by the C.I.A for selling smack... to Nazis.
Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... Because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!
Gary Johnston: But, I thought you weren't gay?
Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!
Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary Johnston: What's your problem with me?
Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!
Gary Johnston: HOLY SHIT! What happened to the base?
Intelligence: It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.