Adam, Age 11: What's baseball?
Calvin: It's a game, son. I can explain it pretty easily. See, there's a pitcher.
Adam, Age 11: Oh, like a painting.
Calvin: No, a pitch-er.
Adam, Age 11: Like one of mom's?
Calvin: No. There's a man who throws the ball to a man who has a bat.
Adam, Age 11: Oh! The nocturnal flying mammal?
Morty: Think about it, you've skipped a year. That's a lot of sex. That's like, thirty minutes worth for you.
Morty: I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in that's probably the most advanced piece of technology that we have in this place.
Michael Newman: Sounds sweet.
Morty: It is sweet. The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet.
Michael Newman: Ooh. I guess the O'Doyles' remote can kiss my advanced-technological ass then.
Morty: I don't know the O'Doyles, but... they can bite it hard.
Robert: Let me tell you something: My father was a very big man. And all his life he wore a black mustache. When it was no longer black, he used a small brush, such as ladies use for their eyes. Mascara.
Johnny Smith: "Bless me"? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me? God's been a real sport to me.
Johnny Smith: Your father says there's something wrong with you, he wants me to bring you out of your shell. I don't know what to do.
Chris Stuart: You don't have to do anything. It's my dad that lives in a shell, not me.