Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: You find my nephew amusing, Cratchit.
Bob Cratchit: He's a very pleasant fellow, sir.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: You're another Christmas lunatic like him.
Bob Cratchit: If you say so, sir.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, it seems you doubt me, Mr. Cratchit. What are you, then?
Bob Cratchit: Your clerk, Mr. Scrooge.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: My fifteen shilling a week clerk, with a wife and family, but you babble about "Merry Christmas." I'll retire to Bedlam.
Frederick Sackville-Bagg: I don't wear the costume of a Shakespearian aristocrat - I am an aristocrat.
Pastor: Can I ask what your interest is in finding such a book?
Giles Redferne: Our interest lies in stopping those who would see all good falter. It lies in stopping the powers of misrule from coming of age. It lies in finding that damned book, and thwarting a vile beast of a man who shall not rest until God himself is thrown down, and all of creation becomes Satan's black hell-besmeared farting hole.
Kassandra: You asked.
Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news.
Marwood: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.
Withnail: We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?
Marwood: I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!
Withnail: So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar.
Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!
Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This IS the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? a rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!
Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.
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