Quotes from Matt LeBlanc movies and TV shows

Sanford Shamiro: You called up your stalker?
Matt LeBlanc: Right.
Sanford Shamiro: The one we got the restraining order for.
Matt LeBlanc: Yeah.
Sanford Shamiro: Did you have sexual relations with her?
Matt LeBlanc: Mm, does anal...?
Sanford Shamiro: Yeah, it counts.

More Episodes quotes

The One With All The Resolutions - S5-E11

Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Okay, fine. [Pause.] You don't know!
Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!
Joey: [gasps.] YOU KNOW!

The One with George Stephanopoulos - S1-E4

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, OM-nipotent.
Joey: You are? Oh Ross, I'm sorry.

The One With Joey's Big Break - S5-E22

Joey: [to Ross.] Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Ross: [Looks disgusted.] Dude!
Joey: Oh, sorry, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

Joey: How you doin'?

Joey: You don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that and just get shot down.
Chandler: I don't know what that's like? Up until I was 25, I thought the only response to "I love you" was "Oh, crap."

The One With Frank, Jr. - S3-E5

[After Joey's just drilled through a wall very close to Chandler's head, Chandler runs into the living room.]
Joey: Oh, did I get you?
Chandler: No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

The One Where Ross Dates a Student - S6-E18

Ross: I would date her, but there is a big age difference.
Joey: Well think about it - when you're 90...
Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.
Joey: No, that's not what I was going to say at all. What I was going to say is, when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

[Joey spells "Pleh" on the ground with sticks.]
Monica: What's "Pleh"?
Joey: That's "Help" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air.
Monica: Huh. What's "Doofus" spelled backwards?

The One With the Baby on the Bus - S2-E6

Joey: Ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

The One Where Joey Moves Out - S2-E16

Joey: What are you getting so bent out of shape for? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie!

The One Where Ross Got High - S6-E9

[After eating Rachel's English trifle-Shepherd's pie combo.]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good.

Super Grover Premium member

The One Where Ross Got High - S6-E9

Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream, and beef! I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Monica: Actually, I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey: No, it isn't. I ate that.
Judy: And we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey: No. Got it, [nods to Jack] and got yours, too.

Super Grover Premium member

The One with All the Poker - S1-E18

Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Rachel: Uh. Yeah, why?
Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent compuper skills.
Rachel: Oh my God. Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Oh no. I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

The One With The Video Tape - S8-E4

Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. How about uh, you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind!

Rachel Green: Oh my God, I'm Kip.
Joey Tribianni: You're not Kip.
Rachel Green: Do you even know who Kip is?
Joey Tribianni: Who cares? You're Rachel. Who's Kip?
Chandler Bing: Kip was my old roommate.
Joey Tribianni: Oh, THAT poor bastard.

The One Where Rosita Dies - S7-E13

Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Well, I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: Why would you wanna do that?
Rachel: So that there would be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent pla...
Rachel: And your lap does not count.

Joey: Who says wine has to cost more than milk?

Brad Premium member
More Friends quotes

Joey and the Dream Girl (2) - S1-E9

Michael: You're a hot girl. Hot girls get stuff for free.
Joey: Yeah, it's true. It's in the Constitution.
Alex: Look, I know what I am. I'm not a hot girl. I'm cute.
Michael: You're a hot girl that doesn't know she's hot. Joey was telling me about those.
Alex: No, I know hot girls. My sister is one of them.
Michael: "The even hotter sister" – one of four ways a girl doesn't realise she’s hot. Along with "went to a girls' school", "used to be fat", and "is blind."
Joey: You have learned well, young Michael.

More Joey quotes

Join the mailing list

Separate from membership, this is to get updates about mistakes in recent releases. Addresses are not passed on to any third party, and are used solely for direct communication from this site. You can unsubscribe at any time.