Quotes from Rowan Atkinson movies and TV shows

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Kevin Langley: I can't sleep. I can'e stop thinking about naked women. What about you?
Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother.
Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on.

Lt. Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?
Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.
Lt. Brutus: You certainly could use some.

Plan B: Corporal Punishment - S4-E2

Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body. He had the knife in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim and when the police arrived he said 'I'm glad I killed the bastard.' Massingbird not only got him off, he got hom knighted in the New Year's Honours list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to get the blood washed out of his jacket.

Plan A: Captain Cook - S4-E1

[Blackadder puts the phone down.]
Baldrick: Who was that?
Blackadder: Strangely enough Baldrick, that was his Holiness Pope Gregory IX, inviting me to join him for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sue, currently wintering in Montego Bay, with the England cricket team, and the Balinese Goddes of Plenty.
Baldrick: Really?
Blackadder: No, not really. I've been ordered to HQ - no doubt means that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me an attractive new opportunity to have my brains blown out for Britain.

The Foretelling - S1-E1

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Dish and Dishonesty - S3-E1

Blackadder: We are reprieved. It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense.
Baldrick: Thank you very much.
Blackadder: As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. [Pauses for a second.] Did you enjoy it?

Plan D: Private Plane - S4-E4

Flashheart: Eat knuckle, Fritz. [He knocks Blackadder to the ground and holds him there with his foot.] How disgusting, a Bosch on the sole of my boot. I shall have to find a patch of grass to wipe it in. I'll be shunned in the Officer's Mess."Sorry about the pong, you fellas; trod in the Bosch and can't get rid of the WHIFF."
Blackadder: If we could dispense with the hilarious doggie-doo metaphor for a moment, I am not a Bosch, this is a British trench.
Flashheart: Thank heaven for that, thought I'd landed sausage-side. Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm dead, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they oughta be on my FACE.

Money - S2-E4

[Blackadder is selling his house. Mr. And Mrs. Pants are looking around.]
Mrs. Pants: Strange smell.
Blackadder: Yes, that's the servant - he'll be gone.
Mr. Pants: You're really worked out your banter, haven't you?
Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing, it's spontaneous and it's called wit.

Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: You're fired.
Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out.

Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Blackadder: Darling, what are you doing here?
Darling: Bullet in the foot.
Blackadder: I can understand people at the front lines shooting themselves but you're 30 miles behind the trenches.
Darling: I didn't do it, the general did it.
Blackadder: Got tired of you already, has he?
Darling: He wasn't aiming at my foot.
Blackadder: Oh, so he was going for your head.
Darling: He wasn't aiming at anything.
Blackadder: So he was aiming for between your legs.

Plan F: Goodbyeee - S4-E6

Blackadder: We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions of men have died, and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.

Beer - S2-E5

Blackadder: Is the turnip surprise ready?
[Lord Percy and Baldrick start snickering.]
Baldrick: Yes it is, my lord.
Blackadder: Then what is so funny?
Lord Percy: Well, my lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a thingy.
Blackadder: A thingy?
Baldrick: A great big thingy. It was terrific.
Blackadder: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed but, that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item?
Baldrick: Yes. Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Good. Because there's nothing less likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy shaped turnip.
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic my lord, because I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.
Percy: Absolutely, Edmond. But it was jolly funny.

Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

[Blackadder is interrogating Darling trying to find a German spy.]
Captain Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?

Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

General Melchett: Captain Blackadder?
Blackadder: Yes sir?
General Melchett: You are now head of Operation Winkle.
Blackadder: Thank you, sir.
General Melchett: Darling?
Captain Darling: Yes sir?
General Melchett: You are a complete arse.

Plan E: General Hospital - S4-E5

Blackadder: Sir, is there something the matter?
General Melchett: You're damned right there's something the matter! Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right under my very nose!
Blackadder: Sir, your moustache is lovely.

Dish and Dishonesty - S3-E1

[Baldrick has just been made a lord, much to Blackadder's annoyance, and been given £400,000.]
Blackadder: Give me the bloody money, Baldrick or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick or you're dead, MY LORD.
Blackadder: Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.

Amy and Amiability - S3-E5

Blackadder: She's got the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.

Money - S2-E4

Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!

Beer - S2-E5

Percy: I must say Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: [Delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

Sense and Senility - S3-E4

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.
Baldrick: Thank you Mr. B.
Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.

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