George Simmons: Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you?
George Simmons: Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?
Lenny Feder: We needed to be here. Our kids were turning into little brats.
Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not attractive.
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.
Grandma: How's that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She's dead.
Happy Gilmore: Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
Virginia: What's this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: What? I didn't *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it's made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.
Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch.
Happy Gilmore: But she's an old lady. I mean, look at her. She's old. You can't just take her stuff. She's too old.
IRS Agent: I'm sorry, I have no discretion. Her stuff is now our stuff.
Dracula: [Sees a Twilight movie playing.] This is how we're represented. Unbelievable.
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