Dave Buznik: Why couldn't you have told her something else? I was at the bank! I was at the store! I ate bad guacamole and couldn't stop shitting! Any of those things would have been fine.
Chuck: After I got back, I went through a rough time. Drinkin' booze, shootin' holes in the ceilin', screamin' myself to sleep... Finally, my parents said I had to move out.
Dave Buznik: So I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Chuck: Don't get cute, wise ass... But, yes.
Dave Buznik: Five hour drive to find out mommy had a jelly bean removed from her nose... Glad I missed work. Can we eat now?
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Let me explain something to you, Dave. There are two kinds of angry people in this world: explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialling 911. I swear.
Chuck: Yeah? And I'm sure I just heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Dave Buznik: Are you Jewish?
Chuck: I could be, but no. Half Irish, half Italian, half Mexican.
Dr. Buddy Rydell: Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in mid-air.
Gina: I bet you beat her good.
Dave Buznik: I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman.
Chuck: Liar, bullshitter, you're a woman beater! And you can't admit it, because you're a deluded piece of garbage.
Dave Buznik: I don't know about all that but... now I know why you're here.
High School Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said, is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listen to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Ok, a simple "wrong" would have done just fine.
Hilary: Hey, dad, I have a personal errand to run and I need to borrow the car.
Jim: Well, you can't drive without me yet and somebody's got to stay here with your sisters.
Hilary: Dad, I have a personal errand.
Jim: What does that even mean? You taking a hit out on somebody?
Lou: Dad, she's monsterating.
Hilary: I have my period.
Jim: Oh, I forgot you get those.
Archie Moses: This is a '70s porno. You know how I can tell? Because the guy's dick has sideburns.