Quotes from Martin Lawrence movies and TV shows

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Below are some quotes involving Martin Lawrence - click the title to view the complete list. If you think their finest moments are missing from the full list, please submit them.

Marcus Burnett: You a virgin?
Reggie: Yes, sir.
Marcus Burnett: Good. Keep it that way. Ain't gonna be no fucking tonight.
Mike Lowrey: You ever made love to a man?
Reggie: No.
Mike Lowrey: You want to?

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Marcus Burnett: My ass still hurts from what you did to it the other night.
Mike Lowrey: Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get.
Marcus Burnett: When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves.

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Marcus Burnett: Mike, I can't even get an erection. I tried taking Viagra. Popped one, popped two. I've been eating them like Skittles.

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Marcus Burnett: You see that?
Mike Lowrey: They throwin' cars! How'd I not see that?
Marcus Burnett: Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful.
Mike Lowrey: Hey, you'd know what would be fuckin' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the fuck up and let me drive, let's try that!

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Marcus Burnett: I think we just broke the record for the number of gun fights in one week.

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Hank Rafferty: Look! I am trying to remain calm... Because I know that if I hit you, I will never see the light of day again. Which right now seems almost worth it. SO DON'T PUSH IT!
Earl Montgomery: You threatening me?
Hank Rafferty: Yeah! Yeah, I'm threatening ya!

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Instructor: Impressive shooting, Montgomery. You realize though, that you missed the target in the middle?
Earl Montgomery: Who, the brother? Oh I wasn't shooting at him.
Instructor: Mind telling me why not?
Earl Montgomery: He don't look suspicious, to me. Look at'em. One lone brother, surrounded by four white guys with guns? The man is terrified. What you want him to do, tap dance? Don't worry brother, I got you. Don't be afraid to dial 911. I keeps it clean, when Earl Montgomery's on the scene. What the problem is?

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Lawyer: So Mr. Montgomery, are you claiming there was no bumblebee present at the time of the incident?
Earl Montgomery: No, I'm not. There was a bumblebee present, man.
Lawyer: Oh, good.
Earl Montgomery: And there were birds chirpin'. There were dogs barkin'. Hell, for all I know, there was a chipmunk in the bushes, humping a turtle! You know you gotta be careful with them chipmunks. They'll hump anything!

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Hank Rafferty: What the hell are you doing here!?
Earl Montgomery: I work here! What the hell are you doing here!?
Hank Rafferty: You little punk, I spent six months in prison because of you!
Earl Montgomery: Six months? That's all they gave you, six months!?

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Earl Montgomery: Ah I see how this works. The system can't tolerate a black man with superior police skills, huh? It's the future of law enforcement, and it scares you... Because you'll be out of work! Right? Look, I remember when the NBA was all white. That's all right, that's all right. I'm fine, I'm cool. Because y'all losing somebody good, though! I'm a virtual, one man, Kung-Fu S.W.A.T. Team! Dah! Yawh! That's all right. I got skills!. YOU BITCHES!

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Hank Rafferty: Need some help?
Earl Montgomery: You asking me if I need some help, or if... If I'm stealing this car?
Hank Rafferty: Okay, fine. Are you stealing this car?
Earl Montgomery: Does it look like I'm stealing this damn car?
Hank Rafferty: Little bit.
Earl Montgomery: Why? Because I'm black? White man has his hand in the car, you probably give him a Good Samaritan award, huh? Figure he's just going around turning off people's lights.

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Hank Rafferty: You're in dangerous grounds here, bub. I'd be real careful what comes out of your mouth next.
Earl Montgomery: Oh, you wanna hear what comes out of my mouth next? You're... A...fucking...pig!

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Hank Rafferty: You're under arrest.
Earl Montgomery: Oh, no. I ain't under arrest. You're under arrest. I'm arresting your ass! Citizen's arrest. You're under arrest for illegal false arrest!

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Earl Montgomery: Who's the Planet of the Apes looking lady in the dress?
Detective Frank McDuff: That's my father.
Earl Montgomery: Handsome man.

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Earl Montgomery: I know the score. It's not the first time I've been pulled over for DWB.
Lawyer: DWB?
Earl Montgomery: Driving While Black.
Lawyer: Move to strike!
Earl Montgomery: Kiss my ass!

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Lola: The lights went out, and I couldn't find the switch. So I was filing in the dark. That's why I called you here.
Earl Montgomery: Lola... Filing in the dark is a serious offence. You're in a lot of trouble.

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Lola: Are you gona strip search me?
Earl Montgomery: No... I'm gona put on some music. You gonna strip search yourself.

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Nash: Somebody shoot that monkey!
Earl Montgomery: What did you call me!?

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Hank Rafferty: This has nothing to do with you! It's personal!
Earl Montgomery: Damn right it's personal. White boy back there called me 'monkey'. Drive!

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Earl Montgomery: Listen, man. Now I've been waiting my whole life for shit like this to go down. So if you're gona shoot me, shoot me. Cause that's the only way I'm getting out of this car.

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