Quotes from Billy Crystal movies and TV shows

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Below are some quotes involving Billy Crystal - click the title to view the complete list. If you think their finest moments are missing from the full list, please submit them.

Paul Vitti: If I talk to you, and you turn me into a fag, I'm gonna kill you, you understand?
Ben Sobel: Well, let's define "fag", because sometimes, emotions can come up that...
Paul Vitti: I go fag, you die. Get it?

Ben Sobel: My name is Ben Sobel...leone. Ben Sobelleone. I'm also known as Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnauz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once... Once as Miss Phyllis Levine.

Paul Vitti: You know me?
Ben Sobel: Yes.
Paul Vitti: No, you don't.
Ben Sobel: Okay.
Paul Vitti: You see my picture in the paper?
Ben Sobel: Yes.
Paul Vitti: No, you didn't.
Ben Sobel: I don't even get the paper.

Ed Furillo: What if you don't encourage them, and they still come after you?
Mitch Robbins: It doesn't happen. See, women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
Bonnie Rayburn: Good night! I'm going to bed.
Mitch Robbins: Good night! Sleep tight.
Ed Furillo: That was flirting.
Mitch Robbins: No, that was... Politeness. That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."
Ed Furillo: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"

Mitch Robbins: Those cows trusted us.
Ed Furillo: Trusted us? They followed us because we yelled, 'Yah'. They're cattle.

Bonnie Rayburn: That's really wonderful. You got him to drink from the bottle.
Mitch Robbins: Yeah, thank God, 'cause my nipples were killing me.

Mitch Robbins: Hi Curly. Killed anyone today?
Curly: The day ain't over yet.

Mitch Robbins: If you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.
Phil Berquist: What... The TV or... Or the machine?
Mitch Robbins: The TV.
Phil Berquist: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?
Mitch Robbins: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.
Phil Berquist: How would I see it?
Mitch Robbins: Well to see it you need a TV.
Ed Furillo: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it please!
Phil Berquist: How do you do the clock?
Ed Furillo: You're dead. You are dead.

Mitch Robbins: Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me - which you're doing a good job. But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up - I'm on vacation.

Mike Wazowski: I've been waiting for this my whole life! I'm gonna be a scarer!

Mike Wazowski: You don't think I'm scary.
Sulley: You're not even in the same league with me.

Artie Decker: I'm awkward around those kids. I don't think they like me.

Artie Decker: I'm not going!
Diane Decker: You're going!
Artie Decker: That's what I meant.

Artie Decker: OK, hop out.
Barker Simmons: I'm still buckled in.
Artie Decker: Oh, boy. This is harder than one of your grandma's bras.
Barker Simmons: It's not rocket science.

Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
Miracle Max: The king's stinking son fired me. Thank you for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?

Miracle Max: Get back, witch.
Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
Miracle Max: You never had it so good.

Harry Burns: How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that's your problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.
Sally Albright: I don't have a problem.
Harry Burns: Yes, you do.

Sally Albright: The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.
Harry Burns: You only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?
Sally Albright: How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?
Harry Burns: We're talking dream date compared to my horror.

Sally Albright: At least I got the apartment.
Harry Burns: That's what everyone says. But, really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is look in the obituary section. You see who died, find out where they lived, and tip the doorman. What they could do to make it easier is combine the two. You know, Mr. Kline died yesterday, leaving behind a wife, two children, and a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace.

Harry Burns: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Sally Albright: What?
Harry Burns: I love you.
Sally Albright: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry Burns: How about, you love me too.
Sally Albright: How about, I'm leaving.

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