Davy Crockett: If it was just me, simple old David from Tennessee, I might drop over that wall some night, take my chances. But that Davy Crockett feller... they're all watchin' him.
Charles Farmer: You see, when I was a kid, they used to tell me that I could be anything I wanted to be. No matter what. And maybe I am insane, I don't know, but I still believe that.
Morris Buttermaker: Is that a baggy full of bacon?
Mike Engelberg: I'm on Atkins.
Morris Buttermaker: Baseball's hard, guys. I mean, it really is. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kind of like dating a German chick, you know?
Morris Buttermaker: Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.
Willie: I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus.
Willie: Spare some change. Think about somebody besides your fucking self.
Jolly Santa: I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language when you're representing the suit.
Willie: And I'm going to have to ask you to suck my fucking dick.
Boy: Why do you have two beards?
Willie: That's none of you're fuckin' business.
Willie: Have a seat. What can Santy Claus get ya?
Penguin Girl: A penguin. It doesn't have to be alive.
Willie: Life sucks a big giant dick, kid. But you're a fucking man now and you gotta face up to it. Welcome to the shit show.
Lorne Malvo: Aces.
Coach Gary Gaines: Being perfect is when you can look someone in the eye and know you did not let them down.
Coach Gary Gaines: Gentlemen, the hopes and dreams of an entire town are riding on your shoulders. You may never matter again in your life as much as you do right now.
Dwight Dickham: The law is the only thing capable of making people equal.
Ed Crane: Time slows down right before an accident, and I had time to think about things. I thought about what an undertaker had told me once - that your hair keeps growing, for a while anyway, after you die, and then it stops. I thought, "What keeps it growing? Is it like a plant in soil? What goes out of the soil? The soul? And when does the hair realise that it's gone?"
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