Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester: Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually.
Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I.
Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
David Shayne: Maybe Olive's got stage fright. Maybe she won't show.
Julian Marx: Not Olive. That dame doesn't have a nerve in her body. I don't think her spinal cord touches her brain.
David Shayne: You thought my first draft was c-cerebral and tepid?
Helen Sinclair: Only the plot and the dialogue. But this.
David Shayne: Was-was-was there nothing in the original draft that you feel was worth saving?
Helen Sinclair: The stage directions were lucid. Best I've ever seen... and the color of the binder. Good choice.
David Shayne: Thank you. I've always had a flair for stage directions.
Nick: Sorry you guys had to hear that. Some problems with the firm.
David Shayne: Really? What type of firm is it, Nick?
Nick: It's a "don't stick your nose in other people's business and it won't get broken" type of firm.
Sheldon Flender: You, you, you're all missing the point, the point is I can give pleasure many times a day.
Rita: Oh, now, really Flender, what does quantity got to do with it?
Sheldon Flender: Quantity, quantity affects quality.
David Shayne: Says who?
Sheldon Flender: Karl Marx.
Rita: Oh, so now we're talking economics.
Sheldon Flender: Sex is economics.
Roy Dillon: You talk the lingo. What's your pitch?
Myra Langtry: The long end, big con.
Roy Dillon: Nobody does that single-o.
Myra Langtry: I was teamed ten years with the best in the business, Cole Langley.
Roy Dillon: I've heard the name.
Myra Langtry: It was beautiful! And getting better all the time.
Roy Dillon: Is that right?
Myra Langtry: It is, Roy. It's where you should be. What do you bring in, $300, $400 a week? We used money like that for tips.
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