Daniel Lugo: My name is Daniel Lugo, and I believe in fitness. All this began because it was time to push myself harder, otherwise I was looking at another forty years wearing sweatpants to work.
Tommy Saunders: You know, takes a lotta balls to escape like you did. You're a very brave guy, you hear me?
Commissioner Ed Davis: How do you feel?
Tommy Saunders: The knee hurts, the back hurts, the balls hurts, the pain feels like sometimes on the top of the hurt if that's remotely possible.
Bobby Shatford: Last night was worth it. There's nothin like sleepin' with you... just sleepin'... lyin next to you... all warm and sweet... Me wishin' the mornin' would never come.
Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, all right. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby.
[A library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything.]
John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's all right - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
Archie Gates: Sit down. What do you see here?
Chief Elgin: Bunkers, sir.
Archie Gates: What's in them?
Troy Barlow: Stuff they stole from Kuwait.
Archie Gates: Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion.
Conrad Vig: You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?
Archie Gates: No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.
Troy Barlow: Hey, I don't know if I can do this. I got a family. If I'm gonna shit in a bag for the rest of my life because I got shot after the war was over, that would be pretty fucking stupid wouldn't it, Major?
Capt. Said: What make you decide to tell me about Crystal, my main man?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Because we're both fathers.
Capt. Said: I'm not father no more, you remember? My son is dead now. Can you think how would feel inside your heart if I bombed your daughter?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Worse than death.
Capt. Said: That's right. Worse than death.
Archie Gates: What's the most important thing in life?
Troy Barlow: Respect.
Archie Gates: Too dependent on other people.
Conrad Vig: What, love?
Archie Gates: A little Disneyland, isn't it?
Chief Elgin: God's will.
Archie Gates: Close.
Troy Barlow: What is it then?
Archie Gates: Necessity.
Troy Barlow: As in?
Archie Gates: As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment.
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