Basho: Kai, I have a confession to make. When I was a boy, I used to wait in the woods outside your hut and when you came out, I threw stones at you and hide.
Kai: I knew it was you. I could see your belly sticking out from behind the trees.
Basho: I'm sorry, Kai. You're a good man.
Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen.
Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.
Bill: How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston.
Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.
King Henry: Put them in the iron maiden.
Bill and Ted: Iron Maiden? Excellent!
John Constantine: When I was a kid, I could see things. Things humans aren't supposed to see. Things you shouldn't have to see. My parents were normal. They did what most people would do. They made it worse. You think you're crazy long enough, you find a way out.
Angela Dodson: You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine: I didn't "try" anything.
John Constantine: So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell. I don't get them all but...I'm hoping to get enough to insure my retirement.
Angela Dodson: I don't understand.
John Constantine: I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die the rules say I got just one place to go.
Angela Dodson: You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine: What would you do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
Polygraph Operator: I'm going to ask you a series of control questions. Are you currently in a seated position?
Polygraph Operator: Are you human?
Klaatu: My body is.
Polygraph Operator: Do you feel pain?
Klaatu: My body does.
Polygraph Operator: Are you aware of an impending attack on the planet earth?
Klaatu: You should let me go.