David: You see what happens when the tofu hits the grill. Nothing. Exactly what happens when the tofu hits our taste buds.
David: Congratulations, "darling."
Brett: I had it. I had pitched the perfect game, and I had to screw the whole thing up. My mother saw the whole thing on TV.
David: She must have been surprised to find out that you had a male lover.
Brett: No. She said she always suspected it. She told me we would make a lovely couple.
David: And your kids?
Brett: They think it's cool.
Ronny Valentine: I'd like to make a toast, to Burt and Sue. Wow,50 years. I'd like to think that something that got you through those 50 years is a little friend I'd like to call honesty.
Burt: And love.
Ronny Valentine: Yes, that, which I think goes along with love.
Cousin Betty: And similar interests.
Ronny Valentine: Excuse me, who are you?
Cousin Betty: I'm Cousin Betty.
Ronny Valentine: First?
Cousin Betty: Second.
Ronny Valentine: You see, that doesn't really qualify. Someone can have sex with their second cousin and the kid would still be fine. You can't hide from the truth because it will come back.
Brad: My childhood was like the Shawshank Redemption, except I didn't have some old, warm, black man to share my story with.
Fred Claus: Nick, there's been one thing that's been eating at me since I've been here. That Naughty-Nice List that you got? There's no naughty kids, Nick. They're all good kids. But some of them are scared. And some of them don't feel listened to. Some of them had some pretty tough breaks too. But every kid deserves a present on Christmas.
Willie: Charlene, do you think it's possible we can make enough gifts to meet our quota?
Charlene: Baseball bats, lose four seconds, 55... Yeah, it is possible.
Willie: It is, but, Fred, that's not what the kids asked for.
Fred Claus: Yeah, but all that matters is that each of the kids get a toy. That they have something that they can open when they wake up in the morning. Most importantly, they all know there's somebody who's thinking about them.
Fred Claus: Only one man's going to walk away from this thing, and I promise you! It's going to be the lightning-quick dude with the big yellow things in his hands! Dig it?
DJ Donnie: What up, Brother Fred? Can I get a 'ho ho... '?
Fred Claus: No.
DJ Donnie: Ooh, you Scrooge, you lose.
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