Robert Doob: What are you gonna do? Shoot me?
Karen McCann: You broke into my house with the intent to do me bodily harm. The law says I have the right to protect myself.
Robert Doob: What? You want me to say I'm sorry? It could have been anybody. I don't even remember what she looked like. It's nothing personal.
Karen McCann: She was seventeen years old. She was five-foot two. She had brown eyes. Her name was Julie. She was my daughter.
Robert Doob: She was a great f-f-f-fuck.
Karen McCann: And you can't catch him! You can't punish him! You can't protect anyone else! You're completely useless.
Sassy: Does the cat always have to be the brains of the operation? Beauty and brains. I never cease to amaze myself.
Mary Todd Lincoln: Seward can't do it; you must. Because if you fail to acquire the necessary votes, woe unto you, sir. You will answer to me.
Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... How was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Miranda: Well, that part was always... Okay.
Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?
Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."
Daniel: Well, let's take a little vacation together with the kids, as a family - get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great.
Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
Daniel: Well, we'll move, and maybe our problems won't follow us.
Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke.
Miranda: Yeah. It's just that we've grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
Daniel: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other... Don't we?
Miranda: I want a divorce.
Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
Daniel: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'.
Miranda: In a band?
Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
Miranda: Umm, I'll have to get back to you.
Edna Spalding: I don't care what it takes. I don't care if it kills me. I don't care if it kills you. I'm not going to give up. And if the two of you do, you can go straight to hell.
Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?
Lori Craven: I know that speech.
Celeste Talbert: You do?
Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.
Celeste Talbert: I didn't know it was your drainpipe, I thought it was somebody else's drainpipe.
Jeffrey Anderson: Your eyes, they're burning.
Celeste Talbert: I've got the flu.
Jeffrey Anderson: No, they're burning with passion.
Celeste Talbert: You're full of shit.
Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm full of shit but not about that.