Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!
Frank Drebin: Like a midget at a urinal, I knew I was going to have to stay on my toes.
Frank Drebin: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.
Jane: How about a rain check?
Frank: Well, let's just stick to dinner.
Mayor: Now, Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year. That's my policy.
Frank Drebin: Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.
Mayor: That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron. You killed five actors! Good ones!
Frank: Just think; next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.
Frank: I can't hear you. Don't fire the gun while you're talking.
President Harris: You're excited? You should feel my nipples.
President Harris: I just want to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: You carry a UB-21 Schnauzer with a Gnab silencer. That's KGB. You prefer an H&K over an A.K. Your surveillance technique is NSA. Your ID is CIA. You received your Ph.D. at NYU. Traded in your GTO for a BMV. You listen to CDs by R.E.M. and STP. And you'd like to see J.F.K. in his BVDs, getting down with O.P.P. And you probably put the toilet paper back on the roll with the paper on the inside.
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