Liar Liar

Liar Liar (1997)

26 quotes

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher Reede: It depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just start from the top?
Fletcher Reede: Here it goes. I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yield at a crosswalk, I changed lanes at an intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher Reede: [Forced.] No. I have unpaid parking tickets.

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Judge Stevens: Are we ready to begin?
Dana: We are ready, your honor.
Fletcher: No, your honor. We are not ready to begin because my client has not arrived.
[The courtroom doors open and Samantha walks in with her children and nanny.]
Samantha: You keep those kids quiet, Lupe. I am not even close to kidding.
Fletcher: [Singing] Here she comes to wreck the day!
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede!
Fletcher: Sorry, your honor.

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Driver: What's your problem, schmuck?
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

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Coworker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: Short, shriveled and always to the left.

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Fletcher: Look. I need to lie. Everybody lies. Mommy lies. Even the wonderful Jerry lies.
Max Reede: But you're the only one who makes me feel bad.

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Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

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Homeless Drunk: Do you have any spare change mister?
Fletcher Reede: Yes, I do.
Homeless Drunk: Well, can I have some?
Fletcher Reede: No!
Homeless Drunk: Why not?
Fletcher Reede: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from my car to my office without being confronted by the decay of Western society. Plus, I'm cheap!

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[Fletcher is beating himself up in the bathroom when a man walks in.]
Man: What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher Reede: I'm kicking my ass. Do you mind?

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Fletcher Reede: New in the building?
Woman in elevator: Yes. I just moved in Monday.
Fletcher Reede: Oh. Do you like it so far?
Woman in elevator: Oh yes. Everyone's been real nice to me.
Fletcher Reede: Well, that's because you have big jugs.
[Both the woman and Fletcher are totally shocked at what he just said.]
Fletcher Reede: I mean your boobs are huge. I mean I want to squeeze them.
[Still aghast at what he's saying.]
Fletcher Reede: Mama.

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Fletcher: You scratched my car.
Impound Attendant: Where?
Fletcher: [shows scratch.] Right there.
Impound Attendant: Oh, that? That was already there.
Fletcher: You LIAR. Do you know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Attendant: What?
Fletcher: Nothing. Because if I take you to small claims court it'll just drain eight hours out of my life and even if I got the judgment you'd probably stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then BEND OVER AND TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE.
Impound Attendant: You've been here before haven't you?

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Pete: Hey, what's up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, fatty.

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Audrey: Where were you?
Fletcher: Having sex.
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone *very* special!
Fletcher: No, see - that's the thing. I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.

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Fletcher: You brought your kids to your divorce?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

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Max Reede: Is wrestling real?
Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

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Fletcher Reede: Your Honor, I object!
Judge Stevens: Why?
Fletcher Reede: Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge Stevens: Overruled.
Fletcher Reede: Good call!

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Max Reede: My dad? He's... A liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

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Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

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Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.

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Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No! I'd have got him ten.

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Jane: Do you like my new dress?
Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!

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Fletcher: Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a $900 suit.

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Miranda: That was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.

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Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

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Judge Stevens: It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

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Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana: Fine, thank you.
Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

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Max Reede: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

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Mistakes

When Fletcher is beating himself up he goes into a stall and squishes his head with a toilet seat. You can see that the white part underneath is made out of foam because it keeps squashing down.

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Trivia

In the scene where Carrey is in the stretcher at the airport, if you look in the back of the crowd to the right, you will see Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color. He can be seen when Carrey's ex-wife is speaking to the officer speaking on a walkie-talkie.

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