Fogell: Yo guys! 'Sup?
Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?
Fogell: No no, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!
Evan: Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait. You changed your name to McLovin?
Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?
Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.
Seth: And you landed on McLovin.
Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.
Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?
Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.
Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?
Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?
Seth: No, that's why you picked a dumb fucking name!
Fogell: Fuck you.
Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2, it doesn't even have a first name, it just says "McLovin"!
Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?
Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?
Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It's called fucking strategy, all right?
Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's... It's a fine ID; it'll... It's gonna work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think 'Here's another kid with a fake ID' or 'Here's McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor'. Okay? So what's it gonna be?
Fogell: I am McLovin!
Seth: No you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!
Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron.] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.
Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
Officer Slater: May we see your identification? [Takes it.] McLovin? [pauses.] That's a cool name.
Fogell: Wha... Wha...
Officer Slater: Yeah, people have weird names nowadays. Once I arrested this man-lady, and his legal first name was "Fuck."
Officer Michaels: He was Vietnamese, so it was spelled "Ph, " but still that's pretty jarring to see on a drivers license.
Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement...
Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away.
Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?
Evan: Fogell... Shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.
Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.
Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.
Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.
Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?
Seth: [shakes his head.] Not for me.
Seth: Look at those nipples.
Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... And like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.
Seth: You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hinds it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
You may like...
Join the mailing list
Addresses are not passed on to any third party, and are used solely for direct communication from this site. You can unsubscribe at any time.