Tom Dobbs: If Mama Cass had shared a lunch with Karen Carpenter, both would still be alive today... What do I think of gay marriage? I believe gays have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.
Tom Dobbs: ...You know, Italy just elected a porn star to their senate. Which is wonderful, because that means no sex scandals - just great posters and incredible downloads.
Tom Dobbs: Freedom of religion means practicing any religion you want, anytime and anywhere you want. Like being a Jewish Buddhist: all you do is sit and wait for stuff to go on sale.
Tom Dobbs: The president wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex.
Tom Dobbs: If you tell a bad joke, you can put a laugh track over it - but the joke's still not funny.
Tom Dobbs: Why would security guards pad down an 85-year-old lady with a walker? If she's a terrorist... well, then the ball game's over, folks.
Tom Dobbs: HMOs will pay for your Viagra, but they won't pay for your glasses. So you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.
Tom Dobbs: You can't spend $200 million running for office without owing something to somebody. Those who can't afford lobbyists have no advocate. The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor." Government says, "Give me your wealthy, your gifted, your endowed."
Tom Dobbs: Even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy. Remember those two Jewish commandos who were sent to kill Hitler at 12:30? They waited in an alley with guns, bombs and knives... only Hitler didn't show up. After half an hour came and went, still no Hitler. Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."