Dogma

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

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Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

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Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.

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Azrael: What did you tell him, Serendipity? To hit me with the golf club? Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon And you're gonna have him assault me with a putter?

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Bartleby: I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic.

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Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

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Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

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Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

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Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

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Loki: Last four days on earth?! If I had a dick I'd get laid. I'm gonna do the next best thing...kill people! [Woman next to him chokes on her coffee.] Oh, not you.

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Metatron: Any documented occasion where some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking of me. Or they're talking to themselves.

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Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head?

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Jay: What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.

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Jay: [Waking up.] I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

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Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.

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Rufus: So what do we do now?
Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

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Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.

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Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

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Rufus: Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

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Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.
Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT?!

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Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

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Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.

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Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.

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Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

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Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.

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Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up.

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Bethany: What gear are you in?
Jay: "Gear"?

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Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.

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Metatron: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?

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Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

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Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

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Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?

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Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. Figurely speaking... Two of them. The one who speaks... And he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not... Will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... Well... Doesn't speak. He's the quiet type, but he'll be helpful just the same.

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Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

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Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

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Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!

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Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.

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Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
Jay: Dude, not all the time.

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Jay: The whole fuckin' world's against us dude, I swear to God.

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Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the sky, you know.
[Rufus falls out of the sky.]
Jay: Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know!

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Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?
Rufus: KNOW Him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

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Loki: Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid.

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Metatron: Were you to hear God's true voice, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode inside your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.

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[Silent Bob has just thrown a passenger off a train and turns back to the stunned passengers.]
Silent Bob: No ticket.

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Mistakes

When Silent Bob renders the demon disabled by using the anti-odour spray, you see him take the spray out of his coat and spray with his thumb. However, it cuts to a front view, and he is clearly seen using his index finger. It then cuts to Bob's rear, and he is, again, spraying with his thumb.

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Trivia

Kevin Smith once happened upon a demonstration against this movie by a group of Catholics. Since nobody recognized him, he simply joined in.

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