Community (2009) - 23 quotes

Anthropology 101 (series 2)

Jeff Winger: Have you learned nothing from your insipid Twilight books? Men are monsters who crave young flesh.

Cooperative Calligraphy (series 2)

Shirley Bennett: Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?

Jeff Winger: Oh, I could never deprive the world of a portion of my chest the strap would cover.

Modern Warfare (series 1)

Shirley Bennett: They remind me of Sam and Diane. I hated Sam and Diane.

Annie Edison: Who are Sam and Diane?

Shirley Bennett: All right, we get it. You're young.

Annie Edison: Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.

Jeff Winger: There is no Britta and Jeff!

Pierce Hawthorne: He said, fully erect.

Britta Perry: Oh my God, you've been hit!

Jeff Winger: What? Oh no! Wait, wait... it's blood. I thought it was paint but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!

Basic Rocket Science (series 2)

Jeff Winger: Greendale may be a toilet, but it's our toilet, and nobody craps in it but us.

Comparative Religion (series 1)

Jeff Winger: To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.

Politics of Human Sexuality (series 1)

Shirley Bennett: Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn.

Beginner Pottery (series 1)

Admiral Slaughter: When I look at you, I no longer see students. I see seamen. From the moment you came onboard, I saw seamen inside of you. More importantly you've stopped laughing at the word "seamen" which is the mark of a true seaman.

Jeff Winger: It's the ultimate blow-off class. This class is like a redhead who likes to drink and watch Die Hard. I suggest you get her number.

Debate 109 (series 1)

Professor Whitman: Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you the opportunity to spend the night drinking from the cup of life, rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! channel.

Football, Feminism and You (series 1)

Troy Barnes: You're saying I could be a lawyer.

Jeff Winger: I'm saying you're a football player! It's in your blood!

Troy Barnes: That's racist.

Jeff Winger: Your soul!

Troy Barnes: That's racist.

Jeff Winger: Your eyes?

Troy Barnes: That's gay?

Jeff Winger: That's homophobic.

Troy Barnes: That's black.

Jeff Winger: THAT'S racist!

Troy Barnes: Damn.

Abed Nadir: Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.

Jeff Winger: Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.

Abed Nadir: Well, that's sort of my gimmick. But we did lean on it pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Introduction to Film (series 1)

Shirley: Isn't Abed's dad like a hardcore Muslim? They're not as forgiving as Christians. He'll cut your head off with a salami sword.

Annie Edison: Shirley! That is the most racist thing I've ever heard.

Jeff Winger: Pierce will top that in one minute.

Abed: My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family business. 9/11 was pretty much 9/11 for the falafel business.

Jeff Winger: Hey! Troy sneezes like a girl!

Troy: How about I pound you like a boy...that didn't come out right.

Britta: Why are you dressed like an 80's rapist?

Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples (series 2)

Abed: I used to think all Jesus did was walk on water and tell people not to get abortions, but now I see he's so much more than that. He's like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.

Introduction to Statistics (series 1)

Troy: Jeff, Pierce took something and he is tripping balls! He is touching people and dancing weird. It's like Grumpy Old Men but not hilarious.

Pilot (series 1)

Pierce Hawthorne: Why would I sexually harrass someone who turns me on?