House, M.D. (2004) - 51 quotes

Across whole show

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.

House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen!

House: [knocking on Dr. Wilson's door] I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

Dr. Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof.

House: Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.

Dr. Foreman: You really want to screw Whitey? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. Take the medicine.

Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?

House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.

House: Just not as honest about it.

Dr. Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?

House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Ummm, a little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.

House: It's five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.

House: What do you mean? You just said...?

Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?

House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

All of series 1 (series 1)

Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.

Dr. Cameron: What's up?

Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.

House: I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.

Dr. Cuddy: Two. I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.

House: [Describing a case] We've got Carmen Electra. Golfing.

Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?

House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer.

House: Did I miss anything?

Dr. Chase: Kitchen sink?

House: Well, we could certainly give that...oh, you minx.

Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Everyone stares.] I'm being House. It's funny.

Dr. Foreman: I know. You made milk come out my nose.

Pilot (series 1)

House: [to Cameron] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

Paternity (series 1)

House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

Occam's Razor (series 1)

House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.

House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!

Dr. Cuddy: [to House] It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.

Maternity (series 1)

House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.

Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?

House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.

Jill: Can you do anything about it?

House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.

Jill: Illegal?

House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...

Jill: Playdates...

House: [Showing her sonogram] It has your eyes.

Damned If You Do (series 1)

House: You know how it is with nuns - take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.

The Socratic Method (series 1)

Dr. House: Love the outfit. It says "I'm a professional, but I'm still a woman." Actually, it sort of yells the second part.

Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.