House, M.D. (2004) - 51 quotes

All of series 1 (series 1)

House: I'll do the lecture for four hours off clinic.

Dr. Cuddy: Two. I know you'd rather spend a couple of hours listening to yourself than listening to patients.

House: [Describing a case] We've got Carmen Electra. Golfing.

Keen: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?

House: The Baywatch thespian. And no, I've gotta disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she's apparently quite the golfer.

House: Did I miss anything?

Dr. Chase: Kitchen sink?

House: Well, we could certainly give that...oh, you minx.

Dr. Cameron: Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Everyone stares.] I'm being House. It's funny.

Dr. Foreman: I know. You made milk come out my nose.

Paternity (series 1)

House: Another reason I don't like meeting patients. If they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.

Occam's Razor (series 1)

House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!

Dr. Cuddy: [to House] It's not going to work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.

Maternity (series 1)

House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.

Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?

House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.

Jill: Can you do anything about it?

House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.

Jill: Illegal?

House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...

Jill: Playdates...

House: [Showing her sonogram] It has your eyes.

The Socratic Method (series 1)

Dr. House: Love the outfit. It says "I'm a professional, but I'm still a woman." Actually, it sort of yells the second part.

Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) (series 1)

Dr. Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter.

Dr. House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all.

Poison (series 1)

Dr. Cameron: I'll check into it.

Dr. Foreman: I'll make the call.

Dr. Chase: I'll keep the kid alive. For a while at least.

House: I'll have lunch.