Family Guy (1999) - 38 quotes

Across whole show

[Lois is washing Stewie in the sink]

Stewie: Not so hard, woman! You're washing a baby's hair, not cleaning the vomit off your party dress, you holiday drunk!

Lois: Hello?

Peter: I can't take the trash out today, I'm working late at the office.

Peter: The caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.

Peter: [Edging sideways] OK, can you see me now?

Lois: No.

Peter: Now I am at the office.

[Peter learns Joe is in a wheelchair.]

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.

Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

Brian: That's Street Fighter.

Peter: Red, blue, green...

Brian: Those are colors.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.

Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

Peter: I drift in and out.

Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself. I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

[Lois and Peter stare in silence.]

Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts.

[Peter and Lois keep staring.]

Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me! [Runs upstairs]

Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?

Stewie: Lois! I've got a gift for you. I'll give you a hint - it's in my pants and it's not a toaster.

Lois: Peter, you're acting like a child!

Peter: Lois, if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? - a paedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert!

Meg: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?

Lois: Of course not, sweetie.

Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?

Meg: Craig Hoffman.

Peter: Craig...Craig Hoffman? Hmmm, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

Peter Griffin: Your Honor, I call to the stand my surprise witness: The Ghost That Never Lies.

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOH!

Peter Griffin: But only I can see him and hear him, so I'll tell you what he's doing and saying.

Child Welfare Agent: Objection, Your Honor! This is ridiculous!

Judge: Objection overruled. I'll allow it. You had better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin.

Peter Griffin: Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

Waiter: Your coffee, madam.

Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.

Stewie: Cut my eggs!

Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.

Stewie: Cut my milk!

Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.

Stewie: You will cut my milk! If my milk is still in one piece I shall kill you!

Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.

Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?

[Lois giggles.]

Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind.

Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.

Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

[Joe Swanson is hanging on the edge of a waterfall in a sewer and Lois is trying to pull him up.]

Lois Griffin: Joe, I can't hold you! You're too heavy!

Joe Swanson: Lois! Pretend I'm one of your children!

[Lois begins to let go of his hand.]

Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

Peter: [to Lois] Yeah, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time, and I'M the man.

Chris Griffin: Stewie, do you want a sundae?

Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find...I shall kill you!

Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here Tom.

Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.

Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?

Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

[Both laugh.]

Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.

[Both stare in horror at the camera.]

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOOOOOOO'.

Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Death Has a Shadow (series 1)

Peter: Y'know I feel kinda bad you guys, I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.

Quagmire: Aw, Don't feel bad, Peter.

Peter: Huh. Gee, I never thought of it like that.

Brian: Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?